Did you ever have one of those days where you just want to hit the fast forward button on the remote and skip over the day? I am having one of those days. It started last night when I got an email addressed to my ex, from his car dealerships service center… We have been split for over SIX years… He has moved to a new state I moved to a new state. WHY am I getting emails for him in his new state about his new car? Seriously, do not use my email as your junk account. Also, your car dealer kindly included most of the VIN # of your car, this was not junk mail. Someone gave them my email address. UGH!!! That just put me in a shitty mood Sunday night. Do not tell me they magically got my email address from the psychic-internet fairy.
Last night with all the stress I just wanted to go work out. I wanted to put all my anger and stress and frustration into the gym. When I left Pennsylvania in 2005 I was officially leaving my old life behind. I found happiness and a life in Minneapolis. Since I have made this my home I have truly come into my own, found health and real true happiness. Sadly it takes only a small shitty thing to drag me back into that angry bitter person that I was when I was back there. I spent so long last night being angry! I had nothing that I could channel that anger into. I need to focus on that. Do YOU have something you channel anger into? I knit on occasion, I have some potholders I was working on before Christmas, but my fingers are all swollen and sore again making that a tedious and painful hobby. I guess I need to figure out why I feel so angry towards my ex, we split on what seemed like good terms. I suppose I do have the right to feel my feelings, I just wish I didn’t feel them. Hindsight is 20/20 and boy oh boy do I wish I would have RUN from this guy.
So tonight I went to the gym and Boy did I go! I did my usual Monday water aerobics with Margaret. I love my class. Such a diverse bunch of people, chatting with the other people in class really makes time fly by! After class I scarfed down some Sweet Chili rice cakes from Quaker. I had never seen these before… SO GOOD!!!! Next time I need to plan better though. I need to pop a protein in there… I KNOW this… I just didn’t plan well. I hopped on the recumbent bike that I like, (do you have a fave machine in your gym, I like bike #17) until my elliptical (I like #20!) was open. I pushed my body so hard. By the time I got to the 4 mile mark on the elliptical I was so exhausted. I felt like I had no fuel left. I had nothing left to give. I didn’t even have the energy to finish out the hour on the elliptical I signed up for. 4.0 miles and I quit. I did not beat myself up for it… although as I write this I do feel like a bit of a failure, but my body was at the wall. I just could not go any further.
Was I running away from my past? I don’t think so. Was I running toward my future? Maybe aren’t we all. Was that why I couldn’t make it through the hour? Doubt it. One Chobani yogurt and some rice cakes does not a workout fuel make! I have gotten back into the old bad habit of not fueling up my body before a big workout.
So tonight I sit here body drained (and then refueled with an english muffin and peanut butter and some tea) having left it all in the gym. I feel like I left all my rage and anger in the gym. It just took a little while longer to get into the gym than I liked to get it out, but it worked! I feel… cleansed.