So here I sit, looking back at old photos of myself. Who was that person I had come to not see in the mirror. At over 400 pounds I was not living I was existing. I watched the 600 pound mom on television last night shortly before bed and could not help but feel so sorry for her children. I also could not help but wonder would I have ended up like that if I had stayed where I was before I moved here to Minnesota. When I was with my ex-husband I really didn’t do anything! We ate junk at home, and when we were out we ate junk too!
So here I sit, so close to breaking into the 250’s a completely different person, in a new state in a new life and yet I can’t seem to shake the feeling that it is no big deal.
No Big Deal?
Pardon my french Kris but WHAT THE HELL? You have lost over 150 pounds how can you say that is no big deal? Easy! I belittle my achievement by simply explaining that I had to gain that 150 pounds in the first place so I have NO RIGHT TO BE PROUD. I go through this struggle in my head every once in a while where I just fight with these, for lack of a better way of putting it demons that tell me, You just don’t get to feel good about this! You should feel shame, shame that you got so big, shame that you aren’t losing faster, shame that you can’t do what others are doing. It all goes back to “Running my own race.” It is not a competition with anyone other than myself.
The NSV’s are great, the Scale victories are awesome too… but I cannot seem to make them stick with me. I feel them for a tiny amount of time and then poof they are gone. How do others do it? How do you learn to feel you accomplishments? I don’t want to have to tack my size 32/34 pants on the wall of my apartment, or have to keep trying them on every day. Not to mention, that pants seem like a lifetime ago they have almost lost their power, yes I am a long way from them but I cannot judge recent progress from there. Is it all about just learning to be more confident in myself? Is that really all it is about? I’ll take any advice you can give! So lay it on me!!!
If you get a moment I wanted to point out that a fellow blogger Sara made an amazing post today that I think everyone should read It is Titled Scars and is about something a lot of us have to deal with extra skin. Please go check it out if you have not already done so!