Today is a very special day in my life… well not for me exactly, but kinda. Today, April 7th is Robb’s Birthday. I don’t talk much about him on this blog, I mention him here or there but he is really truly a source of so much inspiration and drive for me.
I wanted to share a story about Robb and I from my first visit here to Minnesota.
Just a step behind…
That’s what I innocently suggested I do on my visit to Minnesota all those years ago. I was so embarrassed for Robb to be seen with me out in public. I was at the point somewhere in the 330-350 range I think. I was squarely in the size 28 jeans range. I was a fat girl. I really liked Robb. He was this amazingly funny attractive guy who seemed to actually like me. We spent hours talking on the phone every night. He had seen tons of photos of me, but really, we have all had that experience where photos just don’t do someone justice. That is what I thought was happening.
I knew he, like most guys would likely be attracted to girls that were skinnier, more fit and well, just everything that I was not. I thought he was just going to be nice to me while I spent a few days here in MN visiting then give me the kiss of death, and shove me into the friend zone like every other guy seems to. So one day on my visit we were heading out to the Mall of America for some cheese curds (god do I miss deep-fried cheese!!!) root beer floats and a movie I don’t recall if it was Resident Evil 2 or Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow or Hero but that is besides the point. In the car I mentioned that if he liked or preferred I would happily walk a step or two behind him so that he wouldn’t have to be seen with me. It was innocent enough, I was only half kidding.
This apparently hurt Robb very deeply. He told me that I needed to learn that I was worthy of love and being loved and that he had no issues being seen with me in public. I didn’t understand why he was so hurt. My self-esteem had been so battered and beaten down from myself and others in my life that I had hurt someone who had come to mean so much to me.
I still joke with him about walking a step behind him, and every time I do, or every time he remembers that day I get “flicked”. Just as a reminder that I was acting like a moron! He still can’t believe that someone like me would ever think that I had to walk a step behind anyone. I still can’t believe that I actually offered it, but I can’t go back in time. I can tell you now though that I have so much more confidence than I EVER had in my entire life.
His encouragement to love myself has brought me around to a place where I don’t fully hate myself and started me back on the road to building self-esteem. I walk taller and prouder. I speak my mind more freely and I am working on the ability to make decisions. Did you know that not making a decision is a decision in itself? I struggle all the time with the simplest decisions like what to have for dinner. Robb challenges me to make decisions and I appreciate that.
So as Robb celebrates his birthday I thank his mom for bringing him into this world because without him I do not know where I would have ended up. Happy Birthday Robb I love you! Thank you for being a spark of ignition for me!