Spring has not yet settled into Minnesota so picture for a moment me sitting in the sauna. I have the lights turned off, I am alone in the silence. So I am seated on the warm wooden bench in the baddha konasana pose (I had to look it up). I have never taken yoga, but apparently this pose is what I sit in when in the sauna and am not chatting with people. I do the A B and C portions of the pose.
So I stretched for a few moments and leaned my back against the hot wall, rested my arm on the upper level of the bench, closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. As I exhaled which I do to the count of eight (in for 4 out for 8) I turned and looked at the door as someone opened it as i was at the two exhale count I got a flash. Sometimes these things just happen strikes of, I don’t know if it is, inspiration or clarity or just knowledge of the universe, however corny that sounds.
I went on an adventure inside my mind. I was me, looking at me in the mirror, but I could not see me. You know how vampires have no reflection. It was kind of like that, but not exactly. I stood inside myself (in this whatever you want to call it) looking out of my eyes into a mirror but I could not see myself. There was a reflection there, but I do not know who that person was. I moved in closer to the mirror and looked harder, the face was mine, I could tell from the eyes but it was not me.
The door closed the cool air hit my body and I finished my eight seconds of exhale. I immediately grabbed my towel and headed out of the sauna… I was in there for a total of 5 mins maybe 8 either way not very long at all, I wasn’t hot, not even worked up into a sweat yet. Usually I stay in for about 15-20 mins like a traditional sauna and then go about my business. I was frazzled.
What the hell was that about. So I spent the next several hours thinking about lots of things, mostly about how I don’t know myself. I think this is being spawned by my upcoming trip to visit my family. This always leads me to high anxiety stress feelings. So I am on a new journey for this visit to my parents, or rather, I am on a new journey possibly sparked by my trip back to a place that makes me have panic attacks. I want to try my best to answer some questions for myself.
- Who were you when you lived in Upper Black Eddy?
- Who were you when you moved out on your own the first time?
- Who were you when you moved to Minneapolis?
- Who are you now?
- Who do you want to be?
- How do you define who you were and who you are?
- Where do you go from here to make yourself into who you want to be?
When I go back to Upper Black Eddy this time I will be tackling Ringing Rocks Park. It has been years (really years) since I had the strength dexterity and ability to tackle the bolder field there. I think maybe it will help me put just another nail in the coffin of old Kris. I know i can never escape who I was, but I want to heal the scars left by how people treated me, and how I treated myself.
So what does my reflection really say about me? Today it says… I didn’t wear a pocket t-shirt! I am a good friend, and I am going to tackle things one at a time as they come! RAWR! Oh, and I am not a vampire, even if I have pale translucent skin!