So as my trip to Pennsylvania approaches my anxiety about returning to my former home rises. If you flip back in my blog to the beginning there are a few posts that were excerpts from my Facebook notes. I *think* I talk a little about my past there, but I wont make you do that.
I grew up in a small town. I didn’t really have many friends. I wore glasses from preschool on up, I had braces, and I was the heavy kid. I never wore trendy clothes, my clothes were mostly from the Sears surplus store. I was the kid that when there was a birthday party you had to invite because everyone was invited. I never wanted to go to these parties because I did not want to spend time with people who clearly did not want to spend time with me. I was not an idiot (for the record I am not one now either) If you do not like me I will not waste your time or mine being around you. My school like was a miserable and painful time for me. I had a few friends come and go from my life during my tumultuous teenage years. It wasn’t until I moved to finding friends outside of my own school district that I found what I deemed people of a high enough character quality and calibre to actually open myself up to them and be me and let them see who I was.
There are only a handfull of people in my life that have traveled with me along the broken roads, I have been guilty of losing touch with the dearest of the bunch, but I think that is part of life we all hit bumps and not nessicarily retreat, but seek out what we need to heal and place the pieces of our puzzles into place.
As I head back to Pennsylvania you would think I could hold tight to the memories of Friday and Saturday nights spent at the movies and the mall. Dinners at Perkins, bowling leagues and hanging out in the basements. Late night talks in the driveways and trips to nowhere at all! And the ever popular night when I took a friend out the night his wisdom teeth were removed.
Sadly inside my head for so many years the only things that exist are bad memories of kids that teased me relentlessly. The horrible memories flood into my head when I think about “home”. The Bullying that occoured on Sabrinas Blog this week has stirred in me again some of the anxiety that I feel every time I return home. I had started off with this trip feeling a bit stronger about the changes I had made. I wanted to go and see my mom and dad. I was looking forward to taking my new found active lifestyle and seeking out the things that I have missed out on for so many years. When I log into facebook and see “people you may know” and I see people from highschool I often want to throw up.
Why can’t I let go of those people that meant nothing to me? I left highschool during my senior year to go to college. I had enough credits that I would have just had study halls for the second half of the year so I pushed to get away from the people that made me miserable. Was I running? Perhaps, but I think it was more about survival.
I am trying my hardest to not run and hide under the covers so to speak during this trip. I will face my fears and go do the things I want. IF i ran into someone I didn’t want to see, SO WHAT, I am not the timid person I was when I was in highschool. I have crammed so much living into my life since I left that life behind. I have completly transformed myself from that time. I am an athlete, (dailymile says so!!) I am adventurous, I have friends, I got the hell out of that town! I have an established life in which I control my destiny and whatever those people choose to do or say or think is up to them.
So to sum up this big LOOONG blog really, I am hoping that this trip, like each previous trip serves to help me heal just a bit. I am growing and changing. I cannot control other people, only myself and that is good enough. Let me let go of the hate I have towards the people that made my life there so miserable. Let me enjoy the lake and the parks and the waterfall and if I see someone from my past I shall not turn the corner and run like the past.
NO MORE RUNNING FROM MY PAST. To let go of the past I must face forward and confront what I have become inspite and despite what I used to be. So Look for lots of Tweets next week… I am going to try and take some photos of where I am, mostly I am hoping the weather cooperates, the rocks get slippery in the bolder field when it rains and the falls are past that.
I started this blog-post a few days ago while I was working… I don’t know where I was going to go with it anymore… It hit save Draft to do some editing before sending it out into the world Today as I pack my suitcase I feel a bit better about my trip. I struggled to figure out what to pack, but could see how far I have come as the first things that went into the pack pile were my Polar HRM, My workout clothes, bondiband and swim goggles/suit.
So pardon the randomness and rawness of the blog above please. I don’t want to hit delete, but I don’t know what I was going for. So there you have it!