So Saturday night it was time to once again purge my closet. There are many reasons that I am purging things from my life. It has been a few weeks full of turmoil and mixed feelings about many things, and I needed to get rid of some of the bulk that has been holding me down. I was thinking about the pictures of the Katrina victims from when I moved to Minnesota as the disaster photos roll in from Joplin where people lost everything. Also the local photos from our very own neighbors here in Minnesota.
I thought about the bigger individuals who during Katrina were forced into things like trash bags because they had no clothes that would fit them. My heart broke for those people, and I sent off clothes whatever I had that didn’t fit, or that I didn’t wear. My heart breaks now for people who lost their lives and their things. So I bagged up everything that I had that was too big, or nearly too big and lugged it off to a donation site today.
As I sifted through my clothes I noticed something, a shift in my wardrobe. When I was larger I would buy, and wear pretty much anything that fit. I joked that I was in shape, because “Round is a shape!” Haven’t most of us made or at least heard that joke? If you were to inventory my wardrobe, up until I am guessing 2-3 months ago you would be very confused as to whether r not I was a guy or a girl. My clothing consisted mostly of mens pocket t-shirts and women’s jeans and two pairs of shoes. Yes there was cute undies and plain white ankle socks and bra’s too.
As I have shed some weight, something has shifted… and it has been a drastic shift in the last tiny bit of time, that has allowed me to change how I present myself.
“Who are you to tell me that I’m less than what I should be? You don’t define me! I am seeing a new reflection.” ~Excerpt of Lyrics to Mirror by Barlow Girls
When I looked in the mirror before I never saw much of anything. I saw a big blog of
fat fatty unhappiness. As I have been changing I have struggled to see the changes, but I had not ever changed my style at all. I downsized my clothes… but was still in the same style. Mens t-shirts and jeans. I would look in the mirror at the gym and still see the same person. Everyone from water aerobics would tell me how great I looked, and how much my body was changing. They would know… you can’t hide much in a bathing suit right? So when I would occasionally find a top in my wardrobe that was not a pocket t-shirt and wear it, I would be shocked by how different I looked from the pocket t-shirt girl.
So why do I wear the pocket t-shirts? Well because of my job in large part. As a courier and a dispatcher I need to have easy access to my phone a pen and a place to put my paperwork when I am in charge of the phones. My employer supplied us with company issued mens pocket t-shirts. They really are the best thing to wear as far as functionality is concerned. My dear friends however are HORRIFIED to see that I enjoy my pocket t-shirts as much as I do.
So in the purge as I evaluated my wardrobe it has been brought to my attention that I now own more GIRL clothes than Boy clothes. I have clothes that flatter my shape. Yes I still have my pocket t-shirts for work. I can’t not have them, however they make up a very tiny percentage of what I wear now. I have been actively working to change the way that I dress. I spent the entire #PriorFatPack weekend showing off the ability I have to dress myself not in pocket t-shirts! I am working on embracing the fact that I have a shape that is not round, it is in fact hourglass. I always had a shapely figure, it is just… less large than it was.
I have become more feminine as my weight has come down. I am unsure if this is related to the fact that I am just figuring out who I am, or if I am trying to learn how to relate more to my peers. I have always struggled to be more girly, and being as large as I was it was more natural for me to just be one of the guys. I still feel as though I am one of the guys, however I am finding that I am garnering more attention than I had previously.
So I am working to be more girly as this is what I feel I want… at least right now. So I present… something that is rarely seen… Kris… looking like a girl!