Dear Life in the Past,
Firstly can I just say… Stop trying to drag your shit into my life now. I cannot escape you, I cannot forget you (although there are large chunks missing from my life), and I can however learn from you. The question of the day however is what am I supposed to learn. This blog will not answer that.
I was told this week that I need to learn to “let things go and forgive ALL the people who have wronged me”. Specifically I need to learn to let go of the times in my past where people said and did things that hurt me horribly. Just let it all go, none of it matters. However to me it matters, it matters a lot. See deep inside my, what has been described recently as outgoing, passionate, laughter inducing, and welcoming self lives what feels like a tiny little bubble of perhaps rage, I don’t know if that is the correct word for it, but I suppose to an outward observer “hurt” isn’t quite the right term for it either. I guess apparently this isn’t normal. I am not afraid of this part of me, it fuels my determination to do so many things in my life. It is my drive I hear the whispers and laughter of others when I tune into it all the jokes made at my expense. It is not a place I like to dwell in. This bubble, or ball or whatever, resides very close to my happy place, I think. I do not fear it taking over any longer. There was a time many years ago where the darkness of my depression sent me into a very very bad place it was a scary time, but I have much more control over my life and my environment now than when I was a tyke!
So I have spent a lot of time today trying to reflect on why I am so upset that I am being told that I just need to ignore my feelings of hurt and pain, and let them go. I am being told that those feelings are not productive and serve no purpose. Perhaps they do not serve one in everyone’s life, however most of my life has been spent living in a world where I am the punchline in someones joke.
Many years ago I learned to use humor to deflect pain. I was going to make the joke about the size of my ass before you could get there. I was going to comment about what food I ordered before anyone else could, I would prevent anyone from being able to make a comment about me. I did the same thing to prevent myself from feeling my feelings. I would deflect my feelings with humor or some other type of comment, usually derogatory in nature about myself. I don’t do this nearly as much as I used to, amd I am much more self-aware when I am doing it.
A prime example of this exact behavior was at the #PriorFatPack5k just after the race was over I was talking with Jen and she asked how I felt having just completed my first 5k. My answer, after having been so emotional the entire race was… “I missed being under an hour by two minutes.” I was done letting myself feel things, at least in front of people. I knew that was what had happened the moment the words started leaving my lips.
I think that so much of who I want to be, and who I try to be, and how I treat others comes from how I was treated for so long. I was made out to be a person not worthy of even being treated as human by so many people for so long. While I do wish that so many people from my past would feel the pain of their words and actions over and over again, I would not wish the suffering that I felt on them. Do you know how bad it hurts to get your knee kicked out from under you when you already can’t walk because you are recovering from major surgery and then have people laugh about it and have not a single person stand up and say that people do not deserve to be treated that way? How am I supposed to forgive that?
I want what is best for myself. I want what is best for my friends, and that little ball of rage or hurt or pain & suffering serves as a reminder to me. It lets me know that I am better for having gone through what I did. I came through the other side. Yes I have scars and battle wounds to show. I almost didn’t make it, but I don’t think I am ready to just walk away from the thing that reminds me that there are people out there just like me that need my help. Sounds superheroine-ish no? Whatever the case I don’t think I will be giving up my little bouncy-ball inside just yet. It has served me well on my journey thus far and I think for now I will continue to let that fuel keep me seeking out those that want someone in their corner!