Today marks a day for me that I actually had forgotten up until a few hours before I wrote this post. Today would have been my maternal Grandparents Wedding anniversary. They were married in 1951, young and in love. I never had the chance to meet my grandmother, she died young. I spent much of my life fearing the same fate for myself. I was unsure whether it would be something unpreventable that would take my life, like hers (she had lupus) or if it would be myself that took my life. I like so many have struggled with depression since I was young.
That number up there in the subject line… that’s 10 years… in minutes… that’s a lot of time. Ten years ago I thought that I had found my partner, and on this day we got married. We had known each other just a year to the day when we said I do. Looking back now, I know it was not the smartest of decisions I would make in my life. In the moment of being young and stupid I thought it was a great idea, it sounded like fun. Hey you want to get married? Sure! No engagement ring, to us we didn’t even really care about the ceremony, or the papers that went along with it. It seemed like something fun to do. Looking back now, through that wonderful 20/20 vision we have, I know that the decision I made was based on the opportunity to get a foothold on a new life.
That foothold didn’t last very long. It quickly became apparent that we were incompatible. While I wanted the chance to get away from my family and start a life of my own with someone who I cared about I ended up feeling so very alone. I spent days at a time back with my family. We started living opposite lives and before I knew it things were over. I struggled to figure out what I did wrong, and concluded we just didn’t know what we were getting into. We didn’t know each other well enough to begin with.
People often ask me if you could go back and change what you did, would you do it again? It is such a difficult question to answer, but really my answer sadly remains the same every time. I would still do it again. While my ex-husband and I parted on friendly terms, that are how hostile at best, from that relationship I learned a lot about myself. I think it also showed him a lot about himself, which I think he needed. I think each experience we have in life is a valuable one and we need to take from it what we can. If you look hard enough at everything you will find one there. Just look around at what you did today I am sure you can find something to take away from it.
Plans do not always work out as we intend them to. Did I think as I sat relaxing in a tub of hot bubbly water watching The Wedding Singer with my husband passed out on the bed 10 years ago that I would be sitting here 1000 miles from that spot in a sweatshirt with a divorce listed in my file? Heck no! I learned strength, and resilience. I learned laughter through the hurt. I learned that distance means nothing to friends! (I also learned that Vonage cuts off phone calls after 4 hours.)
Life throws you curveballs, the road is bumpy and long. I can’t imagine that without that false start on my life I would end up here. I am living an incredible life, with amazing people in a city that I love. I am not suggesting that my “plan” was a plan, because it wasn’t. You can’t plan for these things. However, on this great trip we call life you have to take your foot off the brakes and let things recover naturally.
That is what my divorced life has been. A recovery. I have found health, and help for so many things. Am I afraid that I will die as young as my grandmother? Well, perhaps, I mean, I live in a genetic crapshoot of a body. However I have lived a lot of my life in the years that have passed by. I also have a lot of living left in the years remaining and I intend to use them well! I am in a great place in my life and I couldn’t have landed here without where I once was!
Thank you bumpy road! Happy Unniversary to me!
This is who I was back in late 2001.