So Wednesday night I had the most awesome pleasure of hooking up with Ann at a local coffee shop for some chatting, some coffee, and more chatting. It was set up as a meeting so I could get my grubby little hands on Confessions of a Carb Queen, which when I finish (I’m 5 chapters in already) will be passed along as it is a traveling book (more on that in another post.)
The evening is a head spinning blur, there was so much chatting, about all kinds of things. I couldn’t believe my ears when the barista came over to tell us they would be closing in 5 minutes. It couldn’t have been 3.5 hours of non-stop talk. Everything from where our lives have been and where they are going and other things like what makes blogging so difficult at times seemed to cross the table.
Sensitive nerve hitting things hit the table too. I knew we were in deep waters when I said, “I am not really doing my best anymore.” I actually let those words come out of my mouth to another person. For months now I have been in this funk of, oh, it’s okay to just relax and take a break from the intense lifestyle you were living. You lost all this weight so fast, you deserve a break. I told Ann about how I was feeling so burnt out with losing the weight. It was almost a relief to tell someone who I wasn’t doing my best anymore. Who said I wasn’t doing my best? I did, and why wasn’t I doing my best? Am I happy where I am now? NO!
I have always been “old” for my age as in old soul. I was an “old 12” and “old 16” and “old 25” I didn’t look it. People still tell me I look young for my age, but feeling my age is something different, acting it is another page, and having an old soul is another. As the weight has come off of me, I have found friends and activities that I enjoy. I like doing things that to me seem ‘normal’. I never in my life thought that I would enjoy going to a water aerobics class a few times a week, or saw myself playing trivia at a bar surrounded by laughter and friendships that I treasure more than gold! I couldn’t imagine myself going out for sushi with the girls, or to a baseball game, or making plans to celebrate a birthday (or mourn the fact that I will be 30). I have turned the corner in my life and have become a young 29-year-old. I am going through what I guess is a second childhood. I want to play outside until it is dark, and even then I don’t want to come home! I want to “Explore Minnesota” for lack of a cheesier way of putting it. I lived here for so long and I had never been so many places so close to home. Can you imagine living across the street from somewhere that you now go weekly, where you feel like you have a family?
So I have slipped from wanting so desperately to lose the weight and change my life into something healthy, to forgetting that I was supposed to be working to lose the weight. I am sitting under where I was at my last weigh in at the weight clinic in March. My goal to hit 250 pounds by my birthday the first week of July, seems almost unattainable. I have been fluctuating between 253-258 solidly for months now. I am not doing my best.
I stopped logging so many hours in the gym, which is fine I need to learn to balance my personal life. Everyone needs that, and 4-5 hours in the gym is a little excessive. However, things with tracking calories went horribly wrong when I went back to Pennsylvania. Talk about tipping points. I stopped measuring things altogether! I was eyeballing things, and I am pretty good at it. However the cold hard truth is I need to be vigilant.
It was important for me to get the majority of the weight off my body quickly. I was in all honesty going to die if I had stayed the size I was. No human being should be 400+ pounds. Now I know I need to take it slower, and find my balance.
So Ann gave me the kick in the ass yesterday to get back on track. I assure everyone I will not be weighting my damn sandwich thins anymore! I know it was a source of amusement for some people (Ann & Jay!) and a source of fear for others (Jenn!)! I will be measuring and being accountable once again. No more kidding myself. Please feel free to check on me and make sure I am tracking. If anyone uses the LoseIt! app that is what I track with, feel free to friend me. I know most use Spark People and My Fitness Pal, I should probably check them out but I have been with Lose It since 2009.
So here we go everyone! No more Lies to myself… it is time to look in the mirror look myself in the eyes and #rawr! Feel the fear and go for it!