So ever since my coffee date with Ann the other evening my world seems to have been turned upside down with emotions. I have always been one to bottle up my emotions. I don’t eat them, I stuff them down. Bottle them up, and eventually let them explode like a molotov cocktail all over someone who doesn’t deserve it. Usually.
So in the spirit of facing things head on, I have been forcing myself to feel the emotions. I have been trying to work through them. I am not sure what this will do for me in the long run yet. They are not making me productive. In fact they are doing the opposite, they are making me want to curl up into a ball and shut the world out.
I want to take away all the hurt and pain from my friends and make their lives better. I can’t do this, but it won’t stop me from trying. I want to make a difference. I want the people in my life to know they aren’t alone. I want them to know that I care so deeply for each and every one of them. How can I do this and not be the creepy stalker person? It seems to be a delicate balance.
I learned at a young age to try to “offer up” my pain because there are others in this world who have it so much worse. In elementary school there was a girl who I still vividly remember who had AIDS. She was so brave, and strong, her spirit was amazing. I wanted to be like her. When I would have to go for all my medical tests I would try to offer up my little bit of pain and try to ease hers. I know it doesn’t work that way but as a child I had hope. Now as an adult I have friends struggling with chronic and terminal illnesses and I just want them to have more good days than bad.
I look back on the last few years of my life and find that many of the few friends that I have had in my life have passed away. Lots of cancer, a few heart attacks assorted other things it is so tragic. What I can’t figure out is why all of this is coming to light now. I think perhaps it is being on the cusp of 30.
30 isn’t old, as much as I may joke that 30 is SO OLD, I know that it isn’t. I think I am having a bit of trouble coming to terms with the fact that I will be facing another decade of my life in just over a week. I feel like I wasted so much of my twenties, I need to make my thirties worth something.
So tell me dear readers, what good does feeling your feelings accomplish? How do you cope with your feelings being overwhelming? Curling up into a ball isn’t productive, but I need to make sure that I am actually working through them, and I worry if I don’t sit and think on them I will just bottle up.