One of the things that has been offered to me as a tool to keep on my journey is visualization. I am not super great with my imagination. I can’t read a book and see the things going on in the story like most people. It is sad as I can’t fully immerse myself in another world.
However I decided to give it a shot since I actually lived a long time in my life right, so I should be able to at least come up with a prediction of what my life would have been like had I stayed where I was. I try to keep a list in the back of my mind when I am feeling down and like I have lost the fight. This is a sampling of how I view things in the other world.
So if I had not jumped off the train I was on back at the end of 2009 where would I be now? The easy answer to this is dead. I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea shortly after all this started. Apnea can cause things like heart arrhythmia and increased risk of diabetes. I was stopping breathing as I slept, that would not have ended well… if you don’t breathe you die!!
My weight was spiraling out of control because of the intense pain I was feeling. I had been steadily gaining weight over the years. There were many days where all I could do was stay in bed and cry in pain. That was not living, that was existing. I was still able to get out of the house, but I never wanted to. I was embarrassed by how little I could do. If I had not taken a leap of faith and pushed for better medical attention I would likely be close to 500 pounds right now and would NEVER leave the house.
I was so lonely in my old life. I had very few friends, and my interaction with most of the outside world was through Xbox Live. I had met a lot of great people on there, and through the internet, however in the end, most everyone was just a voice on the other end of the internet. Because I got active and started going to the gym regularly I met some really awesome people who have made my life a better place. I consider myself very lucky to have the chance to interact with the people in my classes there. Everyone has a story, and everyone has the chance to teach me something.
I had moved away from blogging and sharing my life when I was 430 pounds. I felt that others should not have to be subjected to my goings on. For years prior to moving to Minnesota I kept a LiveJournal. There is a HUGE chunk of my life sitting there, locked away. Many of the readers I had there I knew offline. It is now like a graveyard on my LJ. Many of my friends there have actually passed away. Things like heart attacks and “mysterious circumstances” have left that place feeling like a memory book of sadness. Now I have a blog that I am proud of. I get to share my story with some truly amazing people. Those amazing people are all on their own journey. I feel good enough about myself to share what I have learned along the way the good and the bad. I feel strong enough that I can help support others in their journey. I feel blessed to have the support of you all! I love that the blogging community has been so welcoming.
I used to avoid social situations at any cost. Due to my size I never wanted to go out anywhere. I felt I was always being stared at. I felt like the elephant in the room, and most times I was. I though everyone would be so disgusted by my size that I didn’t want to subject myself to that ridicule. Nowadays I can’t wait to go out with my friends. I love my on the go life! Coffee, sushi, trivia, baseball games, barbeques, walks around town, what am amazing change! A life filled with genuine laughter and genuinely good people.
The list goes on and on as to what life was like and how it is now and I think the best way to sum up the other path that is it SUCKS!!! If the old me had lived to make it to 30, would have likely celebrated with some take out food and a movie. I would also probably have had a cake and ice cream and spent the night being miserable and wondering how soon death would come.
I am so happy that my life has become so full of LIFE! I don’t think I want to dwell on what my life would have been like for too long because it really was sad. However if it keeps me moving forward and scares me enough to not let me go back to where I was I will gladly do it! So perhaps today you can sit back and close your eyes and think about where your life would be if you didn’t make that jump to get healthy! You might just get inspired again.