Tis the season for coughs and cold, or so the commercial goes for some cough medicine or other. When you live in my world it seems like you are always fighting a cough and the sniffles. Looking at my calendar it seems that I spent pretty much the entire month of September sick. When I returned from Chicago just after Labor Day I brought back what I affectionately refer to as “the crud” that nagging chesty cough that bounces from my lungs to my throat for a while and eventually goes away. I am still fighting with that, it is much improved, my body is fighting the good fight, much better than it used to. Then I had the lovely week-long bout with food poisoning, which let me tell you, was not fun. I have had food poisoning to several extremes in my life, this one was mostly relegated to my intestines as opposed to all the vomiting and full-blown system failures of some of my past experiences.
This bout of month-long sickness has unfortunately jump-started my fall depression. It is no big shocker to anyone that has known me for a long time that I have depression, not just SAD, but the full-blown kind. I struggle with it a lot, certain times of year are far worse than others. The seasonal shift often sends me into a bit of a tailspin that I have to really be aware of, and guess what folks it is starting early this year.
Not having been able to pump up my cardio load to load my body up with endorphins to fight off the drowning sadness that I start to feel has left me struggling. I now am unsure if my lack of energy is my body recovering from being so sick, or if it is my depression kicking in.
I am also starting to get that pre-doctor visit anxiety about my cardiology appointment that is coming up in just about a week. Thoughts about all the possible things that could be wrong with me, and the what if’s send me deeper into a dark hole. I want to just give up trying to be healthy and stuff myself with comfort foods of fall. Microwaved apples, and warm soups and stews.
I want answers to all the what if’s when I know all that will happen is more tests and more questions. I know what I need to do, which is get my ass in gear and get back to my cardio, but every time I approach a machine I fear it. I miss my long hard workouts where I would be in the gym for 2 or 3 hours at a time. Yes it was boring and long and I was tired and hot and sweaty, but I felt like I had accomplished something when I left.
I am not losing weight right now and I am endlessly frustrated with that. I don’t want to be 250 pounds. Even less than that I do not want to go back to being 260, then 270, 280 or more. I want to see the scale read 240, 230 and eventually 199. I need to find my focus again. I almost feel like I need to get away for a while. I wish I had a place to just go and do nothing but train for a while. Almost go biggest loser on my life. I know that isn’t what I need any longer. I mean, there was a time when that was down close to the only thing that was going to save my life, but I don’t know.
Curling up with a blanket and a cup of hot tea in front of the television in the evenings instead of going to the gym is not cutting it. I need to get my ass back in the gym twice a day like I had started when I found out about my heart. Once I get the all clear from the cardiologist then look out, I wont have any reason for my mind to keep making me break down in tears.
I will not fail. I will not revert to that old life. At least I am still making it to the gym several times a week… but I can feel in my gut the justification in that very statement and I don’t like it. I need my old self back. Seasons come and seasons go, I need to focus on the positive things around me right now.