So How Am I Really?

Well, I posted a very honest blog here, letting you all know about how I was doing.  Things aren’t rainbows and kittens just yet.  It takes time to get back to where I want and need to be in my head, but I am working on it.  Sadness and depression are two very different things, and what I am fighting is depression.

I appreciate everyone’s outpouring of support, whether it was here on the blog, or on twitter, or emails, phone calls or real life hugs.  It helps, it all helps.  What I want to do, which is crawl into a hole and let the world pass me by, is the exact opposite of what I needed to do.

Tuesday night is my standard water aerobics then Trivia night, and it was a very quiet night.  The class was small, which meant there was a different feel in the class.  A class of four no matter what will have a different feel than a class of eight.  Then trivia while fun, lacked the punch of excitement that it usually has as it was only myself and two others.  I often find my energy feeds off of others, and the more excitement there is the more I have.

Wednesday I returned to the gym in the morning for another workout, which almost felt like I was just going through the motions. My heart isn’t in my workouts a lot of the time lately.  I think it is because I haven’t been to the cardiologist yet so I don’t know what I need to do.  I am afraid to push too hard.  The fear that I could have a heart attack because I am doing too much is now a bigger fear for me than I ever head when I was 400 pounds.

Wednesday night I met up with my dear friend Corynn for some quality gym time.  I plugged away on the treadmill for a total of 3.1 miles, while she worked on her bridge to 10k.  It is nice to have someone to do cardio with at the gym.  Makes the time go by faster.  We also hopped on the elliptical where I can run my little heart out and feel like superwoman.  Sadly I had nice big blisters form on the bottom of my feet.  Sometimes I hate my body.  The ehlers-danlos makes me more prone to blisters I guess.  I have never in my life had a pair of shoes that didn’t give me blisters.  If I could get away with running/walking on the treadmill at the gym in bare feet I would do it.  I felt a bit better by the end of the workout having spent some time with a friend.

That evening I had dinner plans with Meredith, sushi, a rescheduled girls night dinner from my food poisoning disaster week.  We met for Happy Hour sushi and chatted from 9:30 until after 11pm! Nothing super important or ground breaking, but sometimes it is just good to have a springboard to sound off on.  We laughed and acted like 8-year-old boys.

Thursday I hit the gym first thing in the morning and knocked off another 4 miles.  The recurring theme this week at the gym… I am not stretching.  Why?  Because it takes too much time.  When I was there with Corynn she asked me if I knew you had to hold a stretch for 30 seconds to get the benefit from it.  I do know this… and going to the gym twice a day… 4 or 5 days a week is time-consuming.  So i have been blowing it off.  Thursday night rolls around and I am in pain!  My right hip (the one I have had 3 surgeries on) in particular has been sore.  I went to the gym in an attempt to get a second workout in and after one lap in the pool I knew I was in for it.

I spent some quality time in the sauna stretching out my muscles.  I KNOW what I need to do, why can’t I do it?  Why do I do this to myself over and over again?  The only person I am cheating by not stretching properly is myself.  It is no different from cheating in my food log, or eating badly.  I am only hurting myself.

So Saturday is the #PFGMeetup, and I am planning to workout before the get together.  Complete with a stretch after my workout.  I am also putting a standing date on the books with Corryn to do cardio.  I think perhaps that will help me feel more like I am not just going through the motions.  I will want to keep stepping things up.  Maybe not… but it can’t hurt right?

So I keep moving forward, I am off the “I’m recovering from food poisoning eat whatever I want” track and I am back to tracking my food.  I go to the cardiologist on Monday and I will at least have SOME guidance as to what I can expect from that.  Never give up… never surrender.

One thought on “So How Am I Really?

  1. I too have suffered from depression and I’m also trying to get my mind and body fit so I know what a struggle just motivating yourself to do exercise, let alone doing it, can be. But you’re right, never give up!

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