Being Frank

I strive to be raw and honest here on my blog.  As many of you may have noticed the last few days there has been a distinct lack of posts.  Mostly I am out of words, I don’t have any exciting progress to report.  I am not losing, in fact I don’t even want to go near the scale out of sheer fear that it is heading the wrong way.

I am teetering here on the brink of a total meltdown.  I don’t know that I am actually strong enough to go the distance anymore.  See there are things we need to do in our lives.  There are also the things we want to do.  When I was 400+ pounds I needed to lose the weight or I was going to die.  Now I am in the 200’s and I have become comfortable.  I am not skinny, but I am not OMG look how BIG she is.  I am “socially acceptable fat”.

The biggest thing I am struggling with right now is that I have come so far… and I still feel like I have accomplished only a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done.  I feel like I am failing.  I feel like I fail myself, my family, and my friends because my progress isn’t where I want it to me.  Why do I keep fighting?  Is it even worth it? I mean seriously… Who loses as much weight as I have and is still fat?  I am where the “fat girls” start.  Where I am now in my healthiness journey is the part where the girls who were “hitting rock bottom” were when they started.

Do you know how bad it feels to know that I had to climb UP to hit that bottom? Do you know how hard it is to read about people who are “overweight” and “struggling to lose weight” when they only have 20 or 30 pounds to lose total.  I have lost that so many times over.  I can’t fathom having only that tiny amount to lose.

I want to quit.  I want to give up.  I want to throw in the towel.  I want to cry and be “normal.” I have given up tracking and I am sliding into a bad place.  handfuls of popcorn are being shoved into my mouth without being measured most nights before I go to bed.  I am still going to the gym and working out hard but I am sure my caloric deficit isn’t a deficit.  My body media fit tells me how much I burn… but I know it is less than what I am eating.  I am in trouble.  The road before me is long… and with each glance at my past I feel my grip on the paddle to my future dragging me backwards. I don’t want that road to be any longer than it already is! It is already far too long.  I don’t know if I will ever make it back to 249.  250 252 254 252 haunt me. The dream of getting to 199 pounds is a pipe dream.  Unattainable comes to mind.  Nothing worth having is easy.  I must continue to fight… but I am struggling.  I am acknowledging this.  Putting it out there.  So… there you have it.  Judge me if you will… but yep, I want to quit. I wont, but I want to.

If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress. ~Barack Obama

 

14 thoughts on “Being Frank

    • Thank you Ann! Your words and determination to keep going on your own journey, even when you are facing your own setbacks push me forward. I am looking forward to coffee and a long chat with you in the very near future!

  1. Kris I feel for you! It is so tough to come so far on your journey and realize you still have such a long way to go. I have been on my healthiness journey since July 2010. I have come such a long way but some days I just want to throw in the towel and say screw it. Why does the girl in the office next to mine get to eat pizza for lunch and bagels for breakfast and be so tiny while I eat my salads EVERY DAY and I’m still twice her size. I have come so far yet I am the size that a lot of girls I know say “oh wow if I ever got to that size I would know I have to get my ass on a diet…” It sucks to feel like your accomplishments mean nothing in relation to what society sees as “fat.”

    I am also struggling to keep losing. The day has gone by and how did I consume those few extra calories? A handful of pretzels here, a small cookie, maybe two… It sucks and I know I am self-sabotoging but it doesn’t make it easier to stop!

    Know that what you have accomplished is nothing short of AMAZING. I have been following your blog for about six months and you are one of my top inspirations to keep going, to say no to the candy at the office, to go work out when I’m tired, to know that there are real people like me who have done what I’m trying to do. We both know that if losing weight was easy there would be a whole industry out of business and “anyone” could do it…

    Look at yourself in the mirror with pride because what you have done (and what we know you will continue to do!) is an inspiration to others.

    Every day is a series of a million little choices and all we can do is take them one at a time. The cool thing is we all have the power to hit the RESET button at any time — if you aren’t happy with your day, you can RESET it halfway through. I don’t like that I drank a Diet Coke and a cup of coffee this morning so I am RESETTING my day with a big bottle of water. This day will be a day of great choices — I hope it is one for you as well.

    Sorry for my novel — and feel free to reach out to me via email, I’m always up for chatting. =)

    • Betsy,
      Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a wonderful comment for me. Thank you for the reminder that I can hit the reset button at any time. I am actually trying to shift my mindset to use that a little more. Looking at my accomplishments so far as a HUGE accomplishment. Proving that I am so capable of something, and that alone is proof that I can do more. I also am trying to look at it as resetting my journey from here. A new starting point. I know of some friend who have done WW and had their weights reset, and perhaps that is what I can do, reset things here. Looking at it as a new journey a new adventure. Something new to prove what I can do.

      Thank you again, Good luck with your journey and I will be sending you an email in the very near future 🙂

  2. Kris…you are so amazing, motivating, an inspiration to me. You are strong, but your friends are here to help you be strong, too. I want to give you lots of hugs and support but I know you are sleeping. You can do this, you have come so far…you have the ability to get to your goals and to be even MORE amazing than you are now. We look up to you, I look to you for my strength, too. Perhaps a bit of therapy might help you, having someone to talk it out to and to get you on track emotionally. I’m always here to listen and support, but maybe a professional can do more?

    • Thanks Mer!
      I am definatly thinking a bit, (or a lot) of therapy may be in my near future. I mean obviously there is a lot of turmoil bubbling underneath the surface lately and I didn’t even know it was there until it comes spilling out like wordvomit that I just can’t control, and almost don’t want to control.

    • thank you sweety! Sorry I have been distant… I am just barely keeping my head above the water, was asleep when you texted me tonight because I was at the gym from being up so late from being at the gym so late. What a vicious cycle I have gotten into.

  3. Kris – We have not known each other all that long, and honestly we probably don’t know each other as well as we should. But, I do know this – you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. Not because you have lost weight and work out twice a day. You are a brave, strong, wonderful, loving, caring person who thinks of so many other people in the midst of doing all of the other things you do in your life. Your heart is the most genuine and loving and I am proud to be able to call you a friend. I hope that writing all of this out on the screen and publishing helps you – I know from experience that it helps to let your guard down. It’s okay to want to quit – it just means you are human. You can’t be 100% every day – but the fact that you are not going to quit – that is what makes you strong. You know that quitting is not an option – you would be letting no one else down but yourself. We all love you just the way you are – your outside does not matter – it’s your inside that we all love and support. Keep moving forward and it will happen. I am here for you and will support you in any way that I can. You are strong and you are brave – and you will do this. Love you Kris!

    • Thanks Jen!
      I know my insides are what matters, and my heart is as strong if not stronger than it ever was. It is what leads me to have the strength and determination to keep going, and share my struggles along with my victories.
      I strive to be 100% everyday, to give myself to everything as best as I can, to do my best to build others up, to show them how incredible they can be because I can see that in them, and often I think that because I am unable to do as much as I want to, as much as others can that I fall short. Intellectually I know we are all different, but I want more. I want to be more than just a cheerleader on the sidelines. I know it is not a competition or a race. I will keep pushing forward and improve myself anyway that I can.
      I am very fortunate to have friends like you in my life. People I can look up to, and know that even with busy complicated lives anything can be accomplished. Thank you for the reminder Jen.

      • Your want for more is why I admire you so much! I love that you don’t settle for anything less than 100% – and you are much more than a cheerleader – you are a LEADER! I am fortunate to have friends like you in my life – we are all in this together!

  4. I am perhaps much further off track than you are right now, so maybe I’m not the best candidate to leave advice… but I know exactly how you feel, and understand the temptation that food holds in numbing these feelings. I’ve run to food for comfort DAILY in the last few weeks, and it shows. Plus, I haven’t worked out, either. I’m horribly disappointed in myself, and feel like I want to walk away from my gym (something I never thought I’d do). But, I know that I can’t. I’ll hate me even more if I do.

    I think it’s fate that we’re gonna hang out tomorrow. What say we pull each other outta this effing funk? I love you!

    • I think it is truly fate that our date from last week was called on account of life. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. A hug a #rawr and a plan for action will be laid out before we part ways for sure. Including perhaps a plan for eating (getting that rainbow back in) and maybe a weekly text to make sure you are getting into the gym. I know I have been getting into the gym, but we will talk about what we can do to help eachother. 🙂
      I love you so much honey… we will do this.

  5. can I be honest with you? That frustration, that raw feeling of being so done with this healthiness journey? You’ll face it again. In fact, I promise you one thing, Kris. The reality is, you will find yourself over and over again experiencing feelings like that because the truth is, in previous years, you ate to hide it. Do you realize now that while you feel like you may be on a downward spiral, the realness of your change is that instead of hiding, you wrote about it. You acknowledged it and admitted it which is half the battle.

    You are on a journey 99% of humans will never experience. Even me, losing 100lbs cannot really truly relate to the raw feelings you are going through. Hold your head high, Kris. Fight if not for your healthiness journey then do it because it is the only thing you can do to not lay down and accept defeat.

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