I strive to be raw and honest here on my blog. As many of you may have noticed the last few days there has been a distinct lack of posts. Mostly I am out of words, I don’t have any exciting progress to report. I am not losing, in fact I don’t even want to go near the scale out of sheer fear that it is heading the wrong way.
I am teetering here on the brink of a total meltdown. I don’t know that I am actually strong enough to go the distance anymore. See there are things we need to do in our lives. There are also the things we want to do. When I was 400+ pounds I needed to lose the weight or I was going to die. Now I am in the 200’s and I have become comfortable. I am not skinny, but I am not OMG look how BIG she is. I am “socially acceptable fat”.
The biggest thing I am struggling with right now is that I have come so far… and I still feel like I have accomplished only a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done. I feel like I am failing. I feel like I fail myself, my family, and my friends because my progress isn’t where I want it to me. Why do I keep fighting? Is it even worth it? I mean seriously… Who loses as much weight as I have and is still fat? I am where the “fat girls” start. Where I am now in my healthiness journey is the part where the girls who were “hitting rock bottom” were when they started.
Do you know how bad it feels to know that I had to climb UP to hit that bottom? Do you know how hard it is to read about people who are “overweight” and “struggling to lose weight” when they only have 20 or 30 pounds to lose total. I have lost that so many times over. I can’t fathom having only that tiny amount to lose.
I want to quit. I want to give up. I want to throw in the towel. I want to cry and be “normal.” I have given up tracking and I am sliding into a bad place. handfuls of popcorn are being shoved into my mouth without being measured most nights before I go to bed. I am still going to the gym and working out hard but I am sure my caloric deficit isn’t a deficit. My body media fit tells me how much I burn… but I know it is less than what I am eating. I am in trouble. The road before me is long… and with each glance at my past I feel my grip on the paddle to my future dragging me backwards. I don’t want that road to be any longer than it already is! It is already far too long. I don’t know if I will ever make it back to 249. 250 252 254 252 haunt me. The dream of getting to 199 pounds is a pipe dream. Unattainable comes to mind. Nothing worth having is easy. I must continue to fight… but I am struggling. I am acknowledging this. Putting it out there. So… there you have it. Judge me if you will… but yep, I want to quit. I wont, but I want to.
If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress. ~Barack Obama