I survived Saturday! I am taking things one day at a time. Dealing with my family is SUPER-Stressful. I don’t quite understand why I clash so severely with my family, but it is a difficult situation spending time with my parents.
It is more difficult to spend time with my Mom than it is to spend time with my dad, which is very interesting because it was always the other way around prior to my starting this journey. Perhaps it is because I have found my voice, and started to push back when I was pushed. I don’t allow myself to be walked over quite so easily. I have found myself ready to defend my thoughts and ideas more readily. I stand my ground on a variety of topics now, and I know what I think and feel on a wider variety of topics.
I also think my dad and I have a lot more in common now having both come from a place of needing and wanting to change our lives because we know we need to.
I spent an intensely large amount of time with my mom today. She was driving me batshit-crazy. It sadly is becoming one of those things that everything she does drives me crazy, even when she is just trying to help it really just makes things worse. I keep trying to take a step back and breathe, but it is so difficult sometimes. A reminder that I am only here until Thursday is constantly running through my mind.
So Saturday I happened to have the chance to attend a baby shower. A childhood playmate, of sorts. One of those things where it is my parents friends children. I was fortunate enough to recall a few memories during the shower, in talking to Lauren and her mom. Memories from eighteen years ago! Can you imagine that! More tiny pieces falling into place. The last time I saw this girl was right before one of the biggest life changing events in my family. That is when my brother was diagnosed diabetic and life shifted.
I know that his diagnosis was a key point in my life where I took on far more than any kid should have and it has led to many of the issues I have faced with food and the feelings of not deserving, or deserving of food. Also the need to hide food and eat in secret. Just being here at my parents triggers some of these behaviors. I find myself eating alone at night. In part it is because I am playing a daytime lifestyle while I am here, and my body clock is just not used to eating at “normal times” for the life style my parents live. So come 10pm or so I am very used to eating something because it is when I am generally grabbing something.
I am confronting my behaviors, and making myself aware that they are happening. I think it is a key step to making sure that these habits and problems stop in the long run. I just wish I didn’t have to keep coming back here to find them. I feel like I relapse every time I come back here, but it isn’t so much relapsing as finding new things, finding new layers of the issues that I have.
I didn’t get to over 400 pounds because I was happy. I didn’t get there only because of all my health problems, although that was a large part of it. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen in my heart and my mind. Little by little I am tryig to put the pieces of my heart and mind back together and I hope that someday coming back here to Upper Black Eddy won’t be such a source of dread, anxiety, and sadness. I don’t know that it will ever happen, just because of how miserable people made my life fo so long, but I do hold out for that hope.
Today I am preparing a grand feast for my family. Not the entire family, just my dad’s side. There aren’t many of us left, and even fewer that live close by. I have sent a good bit of time each day I have been here preparing food for this dinner. I am making a ham (yes I am singing the ham song and doing the Ham-conga-dance) and lots of veggie options. A few healthy desserts. I am making the focus of the meal more about seeing everyone, but I want to make sure that the food is awesome as well. I don’t like when people are afraid of healthy food or diet food because of the stigma to it. I always want people to feel as though they can enjoy food. There is nothing wrong with enjoying food, as long as you aren’t doing so to excess.
So I have a busy day on tap! I hope everyone is having an Amazing weekend! To those in Snowy Minnesota and other areas stay warm! and Stay Tuned! I will be counting on you all to keep me sane for the rest of my trip! 😀