Anybody Out There?

Is there anyone still out there?  Apparently there are still a few of you out there lurking, looking for me.  Yes I am still here.  Lurking, living, surviving… I can’t really recall anything I have written… and I am guessing if you read in google reader you don’t recall the last thing I wrote! So here is a stream of thought from my mind to your eyeballs!  

For those of you that have seen me during this holiday season, I thank you.  You saw me through one of the very darkest times of year for me.  You will hear me say over and over again I don’t do well at holidays.  Too many years of being told “Way to go, you just ruined X.”  X being whatever holiday it was, be it Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or even Easter a few times. 

I can recall a few happy traditions from the holidays.  I sat in the mall at Rosedale this year waiting for my dear friend Jenn, sipping coffee and chatting on twitter about holiday traditions and remembered about getting a clementine in my stocking every year.  I still take part in the clementine, or orange in my stocking tradition, even if I don’t get myself a stocking.  You will always find a bag of clementines in my fridge this time of year.  You will also find some cherry chapstick, or Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers. This year I bought a chocolate mint flavored one!  MmM! It is like girl scout cookies without all the guilt! 

I trudged through Thanksgiving, taking my own food.  As many of you know I planned to do this for a long time.  After my food poisoning bout it was definitely a safer route knowing what my tummy would tolerate. I was not however prepared to feel the way that I did at dinner.  I felt as though I was being scrutinized for my decisions.  I felt (feeling words here, I am allowed to feel) that bringing my own food was not welcomed but i need to do what I need because not taking my own needs into consideration is what got me into trouble in the first place) I did take food to share, and people very much enjoyed my green beans with caramelized red pearl onions and balsamic vinegar.  They were certainly no traditional green bean casserole but they were a nice change of pace from the normal heavy sides that go with dinner.

The trip east to visit my parents… There are no words to describe how bad some points of this trip were.  I will leave it at that.  There were however some amazing highlights!  I got to see my Aunts from my mom’s side of the family which was awesome!  Even better was the day (the entire day!!) that I got to spend with my Aunt Paulette!  Ever since I was a tyke she and I had a special bond.  As I have gotten older we haven’t been able to spend as much time together.  She is a busy woman with an amazing career and I have been living a crazy life at one point 100+ miles away and now in another state. 

We spent a while chatting and catching up, then lunch in the mountains, and shopping and dinner.  It was amazing.  Spending time with her made me realize that while there is so much bad in my life from that whole area, there is some good that I can look back and find.  Shopping trips after christmas were always with Paulette.  I look forward to planning many trips back, to match with her schedule so that we can work on our bond together. 

Back here in the real world, Christmas was fast approaching.  Cookies were being baked… probably close to 30-dozen or more came out of my oven this year.  Food is love where I come from.  Or more specifically, this is how I can show my appreciation for people.  I took cookies to co-workers and friends.  I tried to stay busy.  I shopped, and wrapped, and prayed for no snow.  I did my job, and busied myself with lots of outings with friends. 

I tried to ignore the fact that Christmas is a holiday.  I try to treat it as if it were any other day.  I bought my Christmas ham as soon as they went on sale.  In Minnesota we are a Turkey on Christmas house, I grew up as a ham on Christmas person… so this year it was both.  A Turkey and a Ham on Christmas… with lots of leftovers frozen off. 

My December calendar looked much like my July.  Packed to the gills with gatherings of friends.  Avoidance of feelings perhaps.  Sushi or coffee, or walks around the mall.  Movies or outings any reason at all.  Any excuse not to feel the feelings that surround the holiday. Not to feel the hurt that is in those wounds that sit there.

A few days before Christmas an angel was sent to remind me that the holidays aren’t so bad.  I was in Target when a friend spotted me near the entrance.  He once again invited me over for Christmas.  December 24th.  I had to work my normal 4p-4a shift.  I respectfully declined, I needed my sleep.  We walked and talked for the better part of an hour.  I was reminded of how important it is to be with people who care about you, and how important this person truly is in my life.  I dropped my purchases off at home and spent the next few hours with him doing some last-minute shopping around St Paul.  Christmas eve morning, he called again to invite me to dinner, and I said okay.

So December 24th I went to dinner, with my family, the family you get to pick.  The family I choose, the ones that matter, the ones that warm my heart and lift my spirits.  The family that seems to always know the right thing to say, even when they are booger and fart jokes.  I went off to work filled with love. The rest of the weekend I rode on the high I was given by my friends that lifted my spirits.

The New Year is nearly upon us now. That means new things for me!  Did you know I will be starting a new position at my job?  That’s right! On January 2 I will be starting at 8:00am.  Day Shift?! Normal Hours?! I will have to do things like Pack a Lunch, Schedule Workouts, Sleep Normal Hours.  Oh My Goodness! 

I think this is actually the piece of the puzzle I have been looking for.  I kept trying to get a piece to click, one piece of the puzzle needed to slide into place for me to get my life to slide onto the tracks to move faster in the right direction.  Guess what folks, the bullet train is about to head off on the fast track! 

I am excited and nervous about my job.  It is with the same company, doing relatively the same job, but with more responsibility etc.  So it is definitely a positive thing.  Plus no more Zombie-Kris at the PriorFatGirl events!  Plus… Weekends Off!  It will take some getting used to as everyone at work adjusts to getting the scheduling worked out, but this shall be exciting.

That’s all for now… work duties call!

3 thoughts on “Anybody Out There?

  1. Although I do have my own [somewhat dysfunctional, as are they all] family of origin, I so understand what you mean when you talk about the family you choose. Mywork family is a lot like that for me, messed up as we all are. I’ve also come to view the holidays the same way after all these years of non-traditional scheduling and missed events. And also, like you, I am swtiching to days come March. I’m not at all sure how I’ll transition to that…but I’m hopeful, for both of us!

  2. Welcome back! Have missed your blogs like CRAZY!!! SO SO SOOOO happy for you to be starting your new job and a new experience in 2012! YOU ARE GOING TO BE GREAT!!!! And despite what happened over the holidays, it sounds like you had some positive experiences too…. and the best news is that THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!!! 🙂

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