Judging…

Each of us has an opinion… an ideal weight an ideal body shape type an idea we would like to get to.  When we are struggling to tay on track, or get back on track, it is when I find I become the most judgemental of others, and myself.

Just this morning I was in the grocery store picking up some breakfast.  An apple actually.  To chomp on before I headed off to Caribou Coffee to return emails and check up on all the things I missed during the work week and I found myself being very judgemental of the woman behind the register.

I put my apple, the only thing I was buying down and waited for her to ring it up.  I made idle chatter with her.  Then she asked if that was all I was buying, I said yes and told her that was breakfast, and I was opting for an apple over McDonald’s.  A logical choice for me seeing as the only food I actually enjoy from that place is their coffee and their ice-cream cones.  The cashier proceeded to tell me that she needed to take that approach and start getting apples instead of fast food.  I am all in favor of this, I preach this all the time… top at Cub or a local supermarket or even gas station instead of that fast food place and grab a banana or apple or even hard-boiled eggs over a burger!  Whole foods are better than processed foods right?  Then my mind starts playing that game… That look at her, shes what 175 tops, why is she so concerned with her weight?  I wish I was that tiny.

I took my apple,, washed it off with the water in my car and chomped into it… and sat chewing and stewing.  I wasn’t angry that she wanted to lose weight, that passed in a matter of moments.  I was angry that I felt this sting of jealousy that she was so much further along in her journey than I was.  Moreover that she perhaps had not ever gotten as large as I did.

I was having my very own pity party right there at breakfast.  It didn’t last long but I noticed it as soon as it started.  I was unhappy with the fact that I was jealous of someone elses success because I still have so far to go and I am struggling to get myself into a routine right now where life balances again with this new job.

My job is really making things difficult, I no longer have the ability to just come and go as I like, I can’t spend 3 hours in the gym and then have a relaxing night at home before going off to work.  I am realizing now just how hard things can be in the real world… and how fortunate I was to have some time with my old job to get such a large chunk of my goal accomplished.

I don’t want to and WON’T give up trying to find a balance that works for me.  I have moved my gym to Snap Fitness as of last week and made it into the gym several days last week right after work.  I am shooting to make it to the gym for 5 45-minute workouts in a seven-day period, I know it isn’t anywhere as intense as I was working out, but I have to start somewhere.

I think I am becoming more in tune with what my emotions and feeling are at this point in my journey though.  Realizing that I was feeling jealous of the cashier, and thinking she had no right to want to lose weight was absolutely silly!  Everyone has the right to want to “do healthy” but you have to do something about it.  Being more intuitive about things with myself will make a difference long-term I think.  I just have to keep pushing forward and stay focused on what I need to do for me. One babystep at a time, I will meet my goals.

3 thoughts on “Judging…

  1. Hey Kris 🙂 I found your bloggity…

    Read this entry and it is as if I could have written it myself. I think that you and I may have a lot in common and I can’t wait to read more and get to know you. I really liked Snap Fitness when I was using that as my primary gym. If you ever want a work-out buddy, I volunteer.

  2. Kris, I get this so deeply. I can’t tell you how many moments I’ve spent thinking those exact same thoughts. When I think of that woman and think of you…how MUCH you have lost and how far you are on this journey…I just think that you have realized a level of success that so many are never likely to see. Please be proud of your hard work and committment!
    Your experience with switching hours is going to be so relevant to me in a couple more months…I will need to pick your brain!

  3. I so get the jealousy – I get it is weight watchers meetings with surprising frequency. But i let myself have a flash of annoyance and then I try to center myself back to what I need to do for ME. Not for them, but for ME. Which is exactly what you are doing.

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