So yesterday I met my friend Liz for coffee. Despite me being sick and battling losing my voice, My outcry for help on twitter earlier this week went answered. Liz got up before 8am, and out of the house to meet me for coffee and try to help me figure out why I am stuck.
We sat at a local coffee shop for nearly two hours talking about where I am, in lots of aspects of my life. We talked about everything from the eating and exercise component, which I have mostly nailed at this point, but can always stand to use some tweaking, to my job and relationships and the dreaded future.
Yesterday I set two mini-goals with Liz’s help, stop enabling those around me to eat badly by purchasing cookies and doughnuts etc. (which I do for the office, and others around me). I also intend to get off my diet soda habit again. Last year at this time I gave up my diet coke habit and it has been finding its way back into my diet now that I am in the office. On Friday I found that I consumed 3 or 4 cans of caffeine free diet coke. This is not acceptable! How much water did I have in that same amount of time that day? NONE!
Another thing we talked about was my job, and how unfulfilled I am. It is no secret to anyone that sees me at the end of my day that this job is taking its toll on me. It doesn’t give back, it doesn’t build me up or give my life meaning, it is a job. The tough part of the equation here is that I feel tuck, I need the money from the job, and I don’t know that I am qualified to do much else. I lack the self-esteem and the knowledge of what else is out there.
Liz gave me some homework of researching 3 potential jobs of my choosing and how to get there, meaning what schooling is required, how much time would it take etc. Trouble is I am unsure of what jobs I want, or would be good at. If I suddenly won the lottery and didn’t have to work, would I walk away from my job? Honestly, yes, but not until they had someone to replace me that was competent. What would I do after that? I don’t know, and that is the honest answer. I know I would want to be somewhere that I could help people who were in the situation I was in. Overweight, giving up hope, or struggling wanting to change their lives, wanting to get better these are the people I want to build up. If I could do anything I would love to just be able to talk to these people, tell them not to give up, be a professional cheerleader to them. I want to inspire people I want to keep them focused on what they want for themselves. I want them to want success for them as much as I want it for them because in all honesty, I want success for each of my friends quite possibly more than some of them want it for themselves. I just don’t know how to go about doing that.
I do know that I am not doing that at my job. The closest I get to doing something that give back at my job is when we do some sort of transport of medical equipment, or transplant type stuff. When I was young I had such clear goals I was going to be a pediatric orthopaedic surgeon… and then I started college, and realized that due to the lack of preparation I had from my highschool years and previous that I was basically going to have to start over from scratch in remedial classes, I switched majors, continued to work on my weaknesses and explored other options. It was a slap in the face. I struggled so much at Penn State, and as my health faded, so did my grades and eventually I just stopped going to classes.
I let my failure be the bar by which I measure my worth. I don’t have a college degree. I have taken shit for it from people in my life who call themselves my friends. I have taken shit for it from my family, why don’t you just go back to school. Well, I still have to work, I still have weight to lose, there are hundreds of reasons. I also, don’t know what I want to do.
I don’t know what I would be good at. English isn’t my strong suit and the idea of having to write a paper terrifies me. So what is a girl to do? Keep plugging along telling myself I can’t change my situation. I have a resume together for a temp agency, but I feel like that i going to put me in the same situation I am in now, where it is still just going to be a job. A job where I am unfulfilled a job where I give, and don’t feel.
Liz told me I need to learn to dream bigger for myself, and figure out what I want from my life. I don’t know what I want from life… how does anyone go about figuring out what they want. I mean I am 30, and clearly after this long I should have an idea right? Knowing I was struggling with this we decided that perhaps the better place to start is knowing what I don’t want. So that is where I am starting from right now. What do I know I don’t want… Heck, most nights I can’t decide what I do and don’t want for dinner, how am I supposed to decide what I want for the rest of my life?!