Fathers day.

Happy Fathers day to all the dads out there. And happy fathers day to all the kids out there! Whether your dad was a part of your life or not we all had a father.  Whether or not he was a dad, well it takes someone special to be a dad.
Over my 30, almost 31 years of life I have been blessed to have my dad in my life. We have not gotten along for many MANY parts of it, we have not seen eye to eye on many more parts of it, but when it all comes down to brass tacks when I need him, he is there. I am blessed.
This morning I sat with my coffee looking at the cup thinking, thinking about him, and my last disastrous visit. Thinking of how far we have actually come since I was a kid, thinking of all the memories that I can’t actually find in my mind that are documented in photos, and old home movies.  Thinking of the new memories that we have tried to forge. 
I search my mind for good memories, I want to remember the good things, remember them now before it’s too late.  I remember my dad waking me up as a teenager on Sunday mornings to go driving.  It was just us, dad and me, in the pickup truck in the parking lot or on the back roads leaning how to drive.  Not drive a manual, but learning how to shift the gears of the pickup truck, and drive it proper, uphill, or in reverse. Things I needed to know.  I get peeved when girls don’t know how to drive manual transmission vehicles.  Yes my car is an automatic, but I can drive a manual.  I thought about the late night trip my dad took to the hospital to retrive my left behind stuffed lion, the one I couldn’t sleep without, that he drove near 4 hours round trip to get, that I was asleep without when he got home. I thought about how upset he was when I had my breakdown and landed in the hospital, he was do close to the problem that all he wanted was me out of the hospital because he didn’t want me to be broken.
I see all these things and I know my dad loves me, and yet I know how unhealthy it is for me to live any closer than I do to my family.  It gets so toxic so fast when I am around them, but I miss them.  I need them, its unhealthy, but its a part of me that I am learning about.
I don’t quite know what the point of this post is… maybe just to let people know I’m still here… life is hard right now… I’m struggling under the weight of a lot of things, and time management skills dictated that this was an easy thing to cut for time. I’m regressing into my introvert self, or maybe I’m just so worn out I neex the selfcare time. Either way I’m listening to my body mind and heart as it tells me my limits, and as it tells me to reach for the most important people in my life I’m grabbing onto them.
Love you guys.
Be in touch again soon… maybe this week if works slow
If its not maybe atleast a photo montage of the last month

2 thoughts on “Fathers day.

  1. Self-care is important. When life settles down for me and hopefully for you, soon, let’s do that coffee date. I’ll be thinking of you until then ❤

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