Welcome to 2013.
Here I sit, a year in this chair at work, older and wider. I have become what I feared, my old self. While I have not made the return to the 400+ pound person that I once was, I have to face the harsh reality that the scale now reads 300 pounds. OUCH! I share this with you, my pain. My setback. Not however my failure. Failure would be giving up, and giving up is giving in. I still wish to see change in my life. I wish to feel the way I did when I was healthier. However I am struggling.
I feel as though my body is failing now. Doctors one by one look at me and are puzzled by the next step to take. Physical therapy fails to do what it is intended to do, medications don’t have their usual, or intended effects on me, and here I sit. In pain. The darkness that lives inside of me creeps into the rest of my life, and I pull away. I pull back from friends, and from family. I cut off relationships with those who only wish to help me. I cut ties with those who only ever want me to succeed. The darkness has become my home. I go to work in the dark, I get up at 3am head to work in the dark, I work all day at least I have a window, I head home make dinner and sleep.
There is no gym activity for me these days, I wish I had the energy to go, I would say I wish I had the time, but I could make the time. The fact is when I have the time available to get the the pool at the YWCA, the swim team is there taking up the pool. I can only blame myself for the lack of activity, but the pain I feel is real.
So what happens when you feel like crap? Well I can tell you when I feel like crap I eat like crap. While I continue to eat “healthy” “well balanced” “good for you” foods, the quantity of them has increased. My dinner salad became a double portion, with 2 servings of lean meats on it. My coffee went from being a tall to a venti. Food is love, and appreciation as I baked and baked through the holidays making so many cookies that I even dropped cookies off of my neighbors doorsteps whom I had never met before, that just moved into our building.
I see people reaching out to me, to help me come to the light, invites to activities, but it really consumes all my energy to leave the house, and when it isn’t something my heart is into, I just, don’t want to do it.
I am looking forward to fitbloggin 2013, I have registered for a 5k, which I plan to walk in July, and I am hopeful to walk one in April as well. I am setting small goals for myself. I want to get back to my old self… However it is so hard when I am battling a body that feels like it is falling apart. My back issues are failing to improve. I now have both lower back, and upperback/cervical spine issues. My meds have been increased. I ended 2012 unable to look up/down left/right. I thought to myself how can I look into my future when I can’t very well look to see if a car is coming so I can pull out into traffic. The PF in my feet is still there, the bone spur in my heel hurts, but I have struggled against worse.
I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I need to get back in a place in my mind where I remember that I am strong. I am Powerful. I need to stop being so harsh on myself, but I need to be strict with myself. I need someone to help me be accountable for my action, and inaction. I need a team.
I am once again in the market for a new gym. I am thinking of a 5day pass to the YMCA here in the Twin Cities, I hear their pools have a bit more availability to meet my needs. I just… I won’t give up. I want my clothes to fit right. I want to be happy. I will not be a big fat failure.