So the memories of my past continue to trickle into my consciousness as the weight comes off, well okay at this point on and off. Sunday I was at the YMCA, I had just completed 28 laps (or more, it is hard to keep track when you are just doing random strokes) in the pool without stopping, I hopped thru the shower into the sauna for a 5, to stretch out the stiffness that was starting in my shoulders, then grabbed a drink at the water fountain. …
And there I was in my head first grade as if I were truly there… over weight, hot and sweaty and I could feel the panic, and the teasing. I could remember the bullying that went on, even in first grade. After recess we would all line up at the water fountain in the back of the class, and one person would hold the fountain for a count of 5 *something* (ex Mississippi’s). I pushed my eyes closed sipped the water from the fountain until my thirst was clenched, pushing the memory away then went to sit on the bench. I signed deeply and decided I needed to think about the memory that was there.
Since I have so few memories, and I have been told time and again that I have “no good stories” I figure I need to explore these things as they come, Putting the puzzle together as it were. I sat for a few minutes, which actually seemed like it was longer. I thought back to the line for the water fountain. I thought about how when it was my turn to hold the fountain down for everyone I always picked a long word, like spelling out Mississippi. I would make sure everyone got a long 5 count of the word and I let everyone have the same amount of time to drink. I thought about how I tried my best to be fair to everyone, then I thought about my anger towards the girl in first grade who stole my My Little Ponies and claimed they were hers, I had to have my mom come to school and then we had to go to her house to get most of them back. I never did get them all back. I though about how when almost everyone else held the water fountain they would favor their friends and give them super long drinks of water then would count to 5 as fast as they could for mine.
I took a deep breath and I tried to let go. Kids can be cruel, I was from a small town. I left that place behind as soon as I had the ability. I didn’t want to be like them, I didn’t want to end up like them. I have a kind heart, I have a giving nature, something to be nurtured and developed, to be shared.
I talk to my parents for a few minutes each weekend and every few months my mom comes to the realization that I had a horrible childhood. She has come to see now just how bullied I was. My parents did the best they could, even when I told them that I was miserable and that things were bad they didn’t hear what I was saying. They get it now . It means a lot to me that they can understand it now, that there is a face on the world of bullying, and that they can see how much hate there was inside of me for where I was.
I am working towards peace in my heart for the time I spent in that prison of punishment and torture called public school in my youth. Each time I get one of these flashes I feel like I heal a tiny bit, like I am able to let a little bit go. I know I will never get an apology from the people that made my life miserable growing up, because they still act the same way. It is the way things are there sadly. If you are different it is a bad thing, whether it is because you are too fat, or have glasses, or are black, or have less money than someone else, whatever makes you different makes you less of a person. To me whatever makes you different makes you who you are. It is important to be yourself and it is important to follow your own path and not compare yourself to others.
I don’t know why I am sharing this with yall, but I guess I figure maybe you can see how I landed where I am today, and how I have ended up with the tools I have, and the reason I am the way I am. *shrugs* Have a good Tuesday friends!