I’m Not Ok, and That Needs to Be OK.

So yesterday I posted to my Facebook that recovery is hard. In all reality this should not be a surprise to anyone. Surgery is invasive, foreign, and hard on a body. I did not however expect it to be so hard on me.
I think of myself as a strong and independent person. Capable of just about anything I set my mind to. Right now I am struggling to make it through my commute to work, followed by the 8.5 hours at work, then the commute home which is grueling, then eating and passing out. Lather rinse repeat.
Remember when I worked 10 hour days, stayed up for so many hours at a time with no sleep, worked out at the gym for 2-4 hours a day… now I am getting winded from walking up the three flights of stairs.
I think this galbladder surgery has killed me. I hate having to rely on others to do things like carry my groceries, or lift something. I am under lifting restrictions not just normal ones but extended ones because of my EDS. I worry that this hard spot on my side is a hernia already since I cant seem to remember just how little 5lbs is.
My husband says he doesnt mind helping out, but I dont like to burden anyone with asking for things or help.

I am feeling a full range of emotions at any time. I can only explain it to myself as Trauma. In the span of a moment I can feel everything from sadness to anger to happiness and fear. The pain, comes and goes, in weird ways… not anything like what I experienced before they took my galbladder out but stabbling pains, and aches I assume are related to my Fibro and EDS and lack of movement.
I feel my progress slipping away. I feel the depression creeping in as part of my recovery and I cling to the thought that this won’t last forever.
The reality is though, my recovery has it’s own timeline. There is no magical date when I will be able to put my jeans back on and feel normal again. There is no knowing when I will start to feel human again. It will end, but there is no end date for me to circle on the calender.
Right now I am looking at FitBloggin to be my reprieve. That is right at the end of my expected full recovery window and what a reason to celebrate with my friends and family right?
But the darkness looms here… and I am fighting… but I am not okay… this is hard… and I am fighting. Fighting to get up, fighting to get through the day, and fighting to get back to healthy again. ❤

2 thoughts on “I’m Not Ok, and That Needs to Be OK.

  1. Kris-

    I had gall bladder surgery a few years ago. It was planned and I didn’t have to deal with the pancreatitis as you did. I know that my experience was less stressful and life-disrupting than yours, but I can still empathize with what you are feeling. I think it was a good 8 weeks before I felt human again (and the surgeon said 4-5 days…ha!) and that was the hardest thing of it all. Well, second hardest–the hardest was probably the pain I was in before the surgery.

    I know “hang in there, it gets better” is a completely useless thing to say. I wish I had something more encouraging to say other than to focus on that thing ahead that is keeping you going–FitBlogging. Your tribe will help you!

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