Feedback Because I’m Still #JustTrollin

So… Fitbloggin is over… back to the real world. Work, life, love, relationships, friendships, be them old or new everything in my life falls under the microscope when I return.  Every morsel that enters my field of vision is being scrutinized extra carefully.  THIS is honestly part of what I look forward to coming back from Fitbloggin.

At the conference so many of us talk about having out batteries “charged” or “recharged” I think of it as being supercharged… and with the creation of #justtrollin and #tribelove I hope that it will allow the charge to last just a bit longer.  I know it wont extend the selfie-shelf life or bring the warmth of the amazing hugs along with it but it might just keep the lazer focus.

Focus… something that I need.  I have heard from several people who read the blog in my offline life, that don’t comment (or rarely do so) that they feel the empowerment that is coming from this blog right now.  The trick is going to be keeping up with it.

I am SO THRILLED it seems that those around me that read my last #JustTrollin blog understood what was going on.  They understood that what I am asking for is to be called on the bull that is going on.  I want to be held accountable.  I don’t want to order something healthy then eat the fries off your plate and have you say, oh its okay… a bite wont hurt you.  I don’t want someone telling me you deserve a treat you worked out, or you need to treat yourself… I need someone reminding me that those things aren’t getting me closer to my goals.

It isn’t that I don’t know that the cupcake is not a great choice, even if it fits within the calorie or weight watchers plan for the day… but there are better choices. It isn’t that I can NEVER have the fries, but I need to be responsible for the decision to have them not take them off someone else’s plan. It seems like people are getting on board with this. Those that aren’t understanding this… well… your relationship with me may have to be put on lockdown… just like those treat days.

The thing about this blog is, since I took the job change that led to my weight gain I did nothing but bitch about what the problem was. I bitched about what I couldn’t get to work. I whined and complained that things were hard and I didn’t have time. Well you know what life is hard and we have changed the situation.

I am no longer in that job, and while I am starting to have progress I am still not giving 100% to what is actually one of my top priorities. I am okay with the fact that one of my priorities is to lose weight. I am okay being selfish in wanting to not be fat anymore… more than not wanting to be fat I just want to feel good. I want to feel “healthy”.

I don’t want my blog to be a reflection of a big whiner that just makes excuses. As Dan pointed out at the welcome mixer, I have a story. I have the confidence to overcome the obstacles that have been placed in my way over and over again. If I can’t go over them I have gone under, or around or even through them.

Why should my weight be any different… well the truth is it isn’t any different. I guess I am again calling myself out in this post for half assing too much of my life. The last two Saturdays I have broken some major walls down in my own active life as far as steps and actual amounts of activity go.

I plan on being active tomorrow, (July 5th) It is going to be hot, and gross, but Sunday (July 6th) is my birthday… I will be 33, and it is time to celebrate another year entering it strong and feeling empowered. The time to feel like a victim for my circumstances has come and gone.

I am leading by example, for myself, for my friends, and for the people who I don’t know. I will not end up a statistic. I will not be someone people have to mourn and miss because I died too young. The time is now.

 

 

FitBloggin14… The Short Short Version.

Sunrise in Savannah

“Minimize the regrets in your own life by doing everything with intention.”

Those words were the first of many pebbles of wisdom that rained down on me during Fitbloggin14.  They did not come from a fellow blogger, or sponsor.  They did not find their way into my mind from a yoda meditation or a workout… they came from my cab driver “Bunny Man” on my way to the hotel on Thursday shortly after landing in Savannah.

I wanted to recap my Fitbloggin post with #ALLTHEPHOTOS since last year I took a grand total of three photos… Sad right?  This year I took 400+ photos on Saturday with an SLR that are over on Flickr.  I like to think of these as my gift back to my Fitbloggin family.  So many people leave having not taken photos other than selfies.  I never got to complete the walk I started on Thursday (the beginning of that album) on Sunday due to just being drained of all my energy from lack of sleep.

I did however manage to be part of TONS of selfies!!! the proof is in the pudding….

FitBloggin Selfies Fitbloggin14 Selfies Fit Bloggin 2014 Selfies

Those photos are in no particular order… and I am sure I am missing a few photos there… it is so hard to wrap up so much amazingness with a nice neat little bow.  It just doesn’t happen.

Perhaps a highlight reel?

  • Nearly putting Alan through the glass doors in the lobby for a hug
  • Conga Line during ice breakers the first night
  • French Macaroons & Starbucks with Kenlie
  • MICKEY MOUSE in the HOUSE!!!
  • Yoga where I cried
  • Zumba where I cried
  • Tough Love where we established #JustTrollin and #TribeLove
  • Ignite- All of it, from Dre’s rap to Gerri sharing so much with us about Roni
  • Finding my Celery Stalker had been in my bed while I was out of the room!! #CrisperDrawerLove
  • JeffGalloway when I cried telling him about Margaret, and he just let me ramble on.
  • Discovering I don’t like pralines, but I do still love popcorn!
  • ALL THE HUGS
  • ALL THE SELFIES
  • ALL THE FRIENDS
  • ALL THE EVERYTHING!

I miss everyone… It was a rough journey getting back home from Savannah. Many tears were shed leaving the hotel. I am thankful Erin was willing to chat with the chatty cab driver because I wasn’t up for anything except holding everything inside.  DubyaWife, Erin and I encountered some plane trouble.  It made me miss my connection… I got the last open seat on the red eye back to Minneapolis… and barely made it onto that flight.  Erin ended up having to stay another night… but that is her story to tell.

I am already looking forward to Fitbloggin15, my eyes are on Denver. My goals are to me SMALLER, STRONGER, FITTER, and just as Fabulous by the time I see many of the people I met. I have plans to hopefully reconnect with several of my friends before a year has passed, as we all focus on living with intention and being more authentic in our intentions.

Start saving your dollars now… you wont want to miss out on Denver, I don’t want to be sending you a “wish you were” here postcard or linger in the sunrise sipping coffee thinking of you.

FitBloggin Saturday Night At A Glance

Here is just a small sampling of what is to come when I recap my FitBloggin’ 14 experience.  I wanted everyone to see how amazing Saturday night was… I cannot say it enough… Start saving for Denver… it will IGNITE a change in your life!

10523247_292447450928149_547095534_n

DSC_0046

DSC_0058

DSC_0059

DSC_0065

DSC_0073

DSC_0078

DSC_0099

DSC_0124

DSC_0157

DSC_0177

DSC_0212

DSC_0217

DSC_0219

DSC_0263

DSC_0335

DSC_0388

DSC_0418

DSC_0470

DSC_0478

DSC_0486

DSC_0563

There are another 400+ photos on Flickr…

Saying Thanks

So I spoke up in my Weight Watchers meeting today. I do that a lot. My meeting is full of amazing people. You wouldn’t think at 0700 on a Saturday morning people would be so lively but truly the meeting is awesome! The thing about the first meeting of the day on a Saturday is the people who are at the meeting… really want to be there and are truly motivated to, well… get shit done. I am a front row sitter. Studies show people who sit in the front row lose more weight… that isn’t why I sit in the front row… I just like it better there, and I didn’t know about the statistic when I started sitting in the front row. I am always so thankful for all the information all the members have, and I like giving back to my meetings when I feel like I have something valuable to share.
Today we were talking about “BLT’s” bites licks and tastes, but more specifically being accountable for them. I felt the need to bring the group off on a momentary tangent on accountability. Specifically not taking your team for granted. I had gotten myself into a routine with my new job of going to the gym 3 times a week. I had been eating well, and then… they closed our pool for cleaning. This shouldn’t be a big deal they do it every year, and the nice part a about being a YMCA member is I have other locations I can go to.
Instead of going to another location I started just walking as my workout. While it was an okay thing, when the pool opened back up I didn’t head back immediately. It took a nudge, a strong nudge from my support team to get me to get back into my routine.
Once I got back to the gym, after one strong push, Robb said he had hoped that I wasn’t upset that he said I needed to get back to the gym and that he was only doing what I had asked him to do. It was in that moment that I realized how very crucial it is that we thank our support teams when they step up for us. When we ask for help we do so for our benefit. It’s easy to forget that it can be very difficult for those close to us to step into the “danger zone” and mention things that may be deemed sensitive subjects.
For me things like portion control or going to workout when mentioned by people I haven’t explicitly asked to help keep me accountable might be enough to turn me into a raging bitch! It would make me feel vulnerable and violated. When approached by someone I have deemed safe and supportive it puts things in a different light.
I wanted to remind others to thank their support people and not take them for granted. It can be difficult for people to speak up even when we ask them to do so. Just keep this in mind as you move along. If your support person/persons are mentioning things to you, make sure you are thanking them, because speaking up is hard!

Staycation Recovery

So I spent the weekend indulging in treats I don’t usually have. Steak dinners, ice cream (custard actually), a breakfast burrito with bacon and avocado, and I wonder (ok not really) why I am craving carbs and sugar the last two days. Ok not really. Combined with hormones and bad nutrition I set myself up for this.
It doesn’t happen often, and it was a wonderful weekend. Nothing like celebrating all the things that make and made my life here awesome. A small impromptu breakfast with a few friends on Saturday after my 10k, which turned out to be 6.7 miles once I cooled down. A nice romantic dinner out on Saturday night. A movie at a theater I had never been to on Sunday morning, followed by a fun afternoon of silliness at MOA and a night relaxing at the Radisson Blue. (Talk about swanky!)
I am so exhausted right now, sheer reliance on caffeine is what is keeping me upright at my desk. I feel like I need a vacation to recover from my staycation. Crazy right?

Either way here I am… I had a nice weekend… but I am ready to get back into a focused mindset.

Oh here are my two fave photos from the weekend…
WonderWoman10k

Anniversary9Years

Looking Back, a curse as a blessing.

It’s no surprise that I was a fat kid. I was to my recollection for almost my entire childhood the biggest kid in the class, almost the whole school! There was one other girl who was heavy in my grade, and we were not friends, in fact I think we kinda hated each-other. She had nicer clothes than me, parents had more money, etc etc. I was the forever awkward one. The but of all jokes. Unfortunately there was no place in my life where I wasn’t the target of teasing.
My dad grew up in a family where that kind of behavior was ok. My dad grew up living above a bar that his parents owned. 😦 Alcohol is toxic, I am not going to preach about it. I am not here to judge, I have a drink on occasion however what it can breed is awful. He was bullied because of his weight, he lost quite a bit of weight as he got older as a result, he says, of that torture. Since that was the only way dad knew how to interact with people, it trickled down to be his way to motivate me. I had no “safe space” to retreat to. I begged and pleaded with my mom to get my dad to stop the teasing. My brother, who also had a weight problem would get to jump in on the fat bashing bandwagon. (In the #Fitbloggin community this week someone mentioned the old SpecialK ads with “Pinch an Inch” and that bring back a flood of pain like I never remembered)
My school had no “anti bullying” policy when I was there. They have one now, I have been told it was my ending up in treatment after trying to take my own life (for many reasons) along with the Columbine incident, which happened right about the same time, that in part spurred the “zero tolerance” stance on bullying.
Even when I was around other teens that were overweight I wasn’t really able to make friends. When I was about 11 I started (read: was forced) Weight Watchers, it was a 45 minute drive to the meeting every week, and I would weigh in, sit in the corner, then leave. It was miserable. I was miserable.
I could never really figure out WHY I was the object of such ridicule in school. I didn’t really have many people I would call “friends” during middle or high school. Just because you know someone, or see them on occasion, or hang out from time to time really doesn’t make them your friend. I had a few people that I was close with during school… My “best friend” moved away in second grade and I was never really the same. Her name was Trista and from what I can recall, and what I am told, I wasn’t quite the same after that. I remember writing her letters for a while, but it is hard for a second grader to keep a long distance friendship alive.
I wasn’t good at making friends, and due to the fact that it was such a small town I think it was a case of once one person decided you weren’t liked you were S.O.L. I was the one that was the “do I have to invite them” person, last one picked odd man out, and you know what that is ok.
When I went off on my own I found my own voice, away from the, what I have come to think of as closed minded people that I was around for so long. I had certain responsibilities that I needed to fill when I was younger. I had things that were important and thats okay, but the stigma of being the overweight kid in bifocals, by first grade is a hard one to shake… and it only got worse as I got older.
I hear from friends now, whom I forged friendships with via a virtual medium (voice chat on Xbox Live, mIRC, LiveJournal etc.) and now interact with in the real world, that they cannot believe how amazing I am. (Not to toot my own horn… ok a lil toot toot!) How I can bring out laughter in peoples hearts, smiles from the darkest spaces, make people who felt so alone so welcome so loved and just plain valued because you know what they are! When I am told that I make someone feel special because I remember something about them, or I spent a bit of time with them, it wasn’t because I felt sorry for them, it is because they are. I don’t know if it is a “gift” that I can see the value in people, see potential where others see too much of a challenge, but I adore it. I now know that I can light up any room, (she can turn the world on with her smile) give me a chance and I will show you what I can do. I never got that chance when I was younger, I lived in a shell. Hidden, beaten down, unable to break free to let my heart and soul be as big as they needed to be, and perhaps that is part of why I got so big, I was trying to keep too much in. (yes there are other medical reasons but lets be honest here… cupcakes, cheese and bacon are delish!)
I want to be the one to say that the relentless agonizing teasing stops someday, and if you surround yourself with the right people it does… but inside your own head does it ever stop? Do you ever stop hearing those voices telling you that you are too fat or that you are going to fail or that you aren’t good enough for *whatever*? I live to be a cheerleader, perhaps it is as simple as that, because I spent so much of my life feeling like not a single person in the world was on my side that I NEED to be in the corner fighting on the good guys side. I am the underdog story. Perhaps the reason I never had “friends” was to prepare me for a lifetime of bringing people out of their shells, the underdogs, the people who are afraid to use their voices. Maybe just maybe someday I’ll help someone write their underdog story. From fearful to fearless because you know what… lots of things scare me in life… but as I’ve said so many times in the last few years… you have to jump before you soar and right now… I’m flying baby!

Rock me gently… Rockaway Beach Trip!

The last evening of Fitbloggin’ I opted to take off and go see my family whom I had not seen in more than half my life. My cousin, my soul sister, my kindred spirit Eva.  I was sad to miss out of the farewell reception and the other various activities that night would hold at the hotel… but adventure awaited me! I also got to see my cousin Tyler, whom I had also not seen and met his beautiful girlfriend, who is now his fiance (woo-woo). It was awesome!!

Ready?…Set… ADVENTURE!!!!

Hop in! Let's GO!

Hop in! Let’s GO!

Food on the run, Burgerville Burger and Walla Walla Onion rings, only available seasonally.

Food on the run, Burgerville Burger and Walla Walla Onion rings, only available seasonally.

Into the Woods!

Into the Woods!

Praise Cheezus! It is my Holy Land!

Praise Cheezus! It is my Holy Land!

Squeaky Cheese samples and more!

Squeaky Cheese samples and more!

Tillamook Creamery Icecream!

Tillamook Creamery Icecream!

Loaf Love!

Loaf Love!

Onward! Must keep going!!! Race the clock! Must see it ALL!

Onward! Must keep going!!! Race the clock! Must see it ALL!

Pretty!

Pretty!

Take it all in... for a moment!

Take it all in… for a moment!

Boooooooats on the water.

Boooooooats on the water.

BEACH!!!!

BEACH!!!!

Sand between my toes! Glorious sand!

Sand between my toes! Glorious sand!

Magnificent!

Magnificent!

It's always sunny in Rockaway!

It’s always sunny in Rockaway!

Welcome Home... maybe!

Welcome Home… maybe!

Obligatory family shot!

Obligatory family shot!

Time to hop in the convertible!

Time to hop in the convertible!

And head up the highway!

And head up the highway!

To destinations Unknown to me

To destinations Unknown to me

Enjoy the ride!

Enjoy the ride!

Feels like I'm flying!

Feels like I’m flying!

Don't stop!!

Don’t stop!!

Racing into the sunset!

Racing into the sunset!

Misty!

Misty!

Don't forget to look around once in a while... or you might miss something!

Don’t forget to look around once in a while… or you might miss something!

The beach from the overlook!

The beach from the overlook!

I wish I lived here!

I wish I lived here!

Doesn't she look happy?  I wish I never had to leave her!

Doesn’t she look happy? I wish I never had to leave her!

Nightfall :(

Nightfall 😦

There's always time for selfies!

There’s always time for selfies!

The quiet backyard where I took my coffee for a few moments before we ran back to the city.

The quiet backyard where I took my coffee for a few moments before we ran back to the city.

I could see myself hanging out here... Save me a chair Eva!

I could see myself hanging out here… Save me a chair Eva!

*sigh*

*sigh*

Tearful hotel goodbye!

Tearful hotel goodbye!