Feedback Because I’m Still #JustTrollin

So… Fitbloggin is over… back to the real world. Work, life, love, relationships, friendships, be them old or new everything in my life falls under the microscope when I return.  Every morsel that enters my field of vision is being scrutinized extra carefully.  THIS is honestly part of what I look forward to coming back from Fitbloggin.

At the conference so many of us talk about having out batteries “charged” or “recharged” I think of it as being supercharged… and with the creation of #justtrollin and #tribelove I hope that it will allow the charge to last just a bit longer.  I know it wont extend the selfie-shelf life or bring the warmth of the amazing hugs along with it but it might just keep the lazer focus.

Focus… something that I need.  I have heard from several people who read the blog in my offline life, that don’t comment (or rarely do so) that they feel the empowerment that is coming from this blog right now.  The trick is going to be keeping up with it.

I am SO THRILLED it seems that those around me that read my last #JustTrollin blog understood what was going on.  They understood that what I am asking for is to be called on the bull that is going on.  I want to be held accountable.  I don’t want to order something healthy then eat the fries off your plate and have you say, oh its okay… a bite wont hurt you.  I don’t want someone telling me you deserve a treat you worked out, or you need to treat yourself… I need someone reminding me that those things aren’t getting me closer to my goals.

It isn’t that I don’t know that the cupcake is not a great choice, even if it fits within the calorie or weight watchers plan for the day… but there are better choices. It isn’t that I can NEVER have the fries, but I need to be responsible for the decision to have them not take them off someone else’s plan. It seems like people are getting on board with this. Those that aren’t understanding this… well… your relationship with me may have to be put on lockdown… just like those treat days.

The thing about this blog is, since I took the job change that led to my weight gain I did nothing but bitch about what the problem was. I bitched about what I couldn’t get to work. I whined and complained that things were hard and I didn’t have time. Well you know what life is hard and we have changed the situation.

I am no longer in that job, and while I am starting to have progress I am still not giving 100% to what is actually one of my top priorities. I am okay with the fact that one of my priorities is to lose weight. I am okay being selfish in wanting to not be fat anymore… more than not wanting to be fat I just want to feel good. I want to feel “healthy”.

I don’t want my blog to be a reflection of a big whiner that just makes excuses. As Dan pointed out at the welcome mixer, I have a story. I have the confidence to overcome the obstacles that have been placed in my way over and over again. If I can’t go over them I have gone under, or around or even through them.

Why should my weight be any different… well the truth is it isn’t any different. I guess I am again calling myself out in this post for half assing too much of my life. The last two Saturdays I have broken some major walls down in my own active life as far as steps and actual amounts of activity go.

I plan on being active tomorrow, (July 5th) It is going to be hot, and gross, but Sunday (July 6th) is my birthday… I will be 33, and it is time to celebrate another year entering it strong and feeling empowered. The time to feel like a victim for my circumstances has come and gone.

I am leading by example, for myself, for my friends, and for the people who I don’t know. I will not end up a statistic. I will not be someone people have to mourn and miss because I died too young. The time is now.

 

 

How I Re-Learned to AFWIW at FitBloggin

Sunrise in Savannah

Sunrise in Savannah

So I am going to skip past a Fitbloggin recap for a bit. I can do what I want, it’s my blog. For those that follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, you have already seen photos of me with celebrities like Mickey Mouse, Jeff Galloway, and Arian Foster.  You have seen the never ending stream of selfies with people that mean the world to me. The conference was amazing, I didn’t want to leave. For those outside the FitBloggin Community that want to see my Saturday photos you can check them out on my Flickr Album.  This post isn’t going to be about the fun. This post is about reality.

Fitbloggin Yoga

FitBloggin Yoga with Kia
Photo by CarrieD Photography

So it’s time to get real honest with myself, and you all. At Fitbloggin this year I showed up at the same weight as last year… maybe even a few pounds heavier. So… what gives? You have all heard me talk time and again over the last few years about my job.  Specifically now my former job.  I had gone from nearly 450 pounds to 250 pounds… that was before my first fitbloggin.  During my first Fitbloggin I was already in a slide.  An uncontrolled slide where my job was effecting my eating and exercise.  I had gone from spending hours a day in the gym, eating right and making myself a priority or working 10-12 hours a day, eating whatever I could shove into my mouth between phone calls, and not getting a break.  I would workout when it was convenient.

In March I steered away from the skid, applied the brakes after regaining what I claimed was about 50, but what was actually closer to 70 or 80 pounds of my weight. back.  I was no where near the 450 pounds that I once was but anyone with half a brain could see the writing on the wall. I was unhappy and needed to change.

I started making working out sort-of a priority in my life again, before work I would *try* to get to the gym three days a week.  I would *mostly* eat right, and by mostly I mean about 50/50 not 80/20. My body would hurt and I would let myself use it as an excuse. I just renewed my drivers license… and I what exactly what I did when I renewed it 4 years ago. Talk about a wake up call, I know I wasn’t standing still the last four years, but I sure wasn’t making progress.

FitBloggin TeamLast year when I was at Fitbloggin I was mostly a wallflower.  I didn’t speak to many people.  I was shy when introducing myself.  This year I walked up to people head held high and asked for what I wanted.  Whether it was a photo, or to join a table for lunch I felt more confident.  I was AFWIW (asking for what I wanted).

On Saturday I had a goal for myself… I wanted to hit 200% of my activity goal on my Polar Loop.  I knew my eating was going to be slightly off during the next few days.  I pushed myself through Yoga, which was at 0600, not really early, then through the Tough Love session… which I really needed. It’s what this post is actually about in the end.  Then it was onto Zumba.  I had no lunch plans for the day, and so I wandered along the river.  Right to the candy shop where I was picking up pralines for some friends back home.  I decided that ice cream was the best choice for lunch since I had done so much working out already.  I didn’t give it a second thought as I ordered a single scoop of peanut butter ice cream in a waffle cone.  I wandered along the river eating my ice cream looking at cars.

When I got back to the hotel all I could think was how glad I was no one saw me eating ice cream! This was a wake up call to myself… I wished I hadn’t eaten that ice cream… not only because the dairy made me all stuffy, but because it was  something that wasn’t a good choice for my goals.  My results are a direct correlation of my choices.  I brushed it off… but wished I had been the recipient of some #ToughLove from some friends there.

Polar Loop InterfaceWell the numbers don’t lie, this is a screenshot from my Polar Loop iPhone interface. The truth is you can’t out exercise your bad diet choices right?  I weigh in on Saturday morning to see how my trip went.  I have NEVER in my life had exercise look like that before.  In all honesty there is a part of me that knows I am going to have a gain coming out of vacation… not because I ate badly while at Fitbloggin… in fact the ice cream, and a few handfuls of popcorn late at night are probably the worst of any of my indulgences.

Why am I expecting a gain this week then?  Because I am now back home… and I can’t get back into my routine! I am sick, I caught the crud that Edith had during our time rooming together.  I just want to eat junk, like chicken fingers and fries, and rest.  My lung capacity is near nothing right now.  I mean, I am puffing albuterol every few hours right now, that’s legit… but the food. c’mon… fries, chicken fingers… NO. Just no.

How long is reasonable to nurse this sickness? …

AFWIW… Help me with a battleplan here! I need to fight! I need to be on track and stay on track… So Kris no more fucking around… no more, got it?! It has to stop unless you want to be 350,400,450 pounds again and feel like you are going to die. Remember how scared you were that no one would be able to carry your casket? Remember being afraid they would have to cut the house open to get you out? Remember having to crawl across the floor because you were in so much pain from everything being wrong with you… because if you want to go back to that, then by all means just give up… and go hit KFC, DQ, and BK and make yourself sick by making yourself sick. The eating out, has got to stop, the Starbucks trips for anything other than a black Americano, the bed time snacks, the skipping the gym it all has to stop.  Times are tough, but you are tougher… you  know what you want, it is time to go after it, and stick with it. Lead by example. Friends, I need you not to be enablers. Call me on things you see going wrong! You see what I post to instagram or facebook, if you see me heading off the rails, it is okay to speak up! I am asking this of you! Be a friend, not an enabler!

 

 

A Swimmers Life

I do believe that I have officially returned to my “swimmers” life. I was sitting at Starbucks drinking my coffee and I could smell the chlorine on my skin. I showered and scrubbed after my Aqua Zumba class on Saturday morning. (Which by the way I LOVED!!)

I think it must be time to start investigating some new soap again. I have some tea tree soap from Trader Joes that I guess I might try.  I am unsure how to get the chlorine off of my skin. I suppose google will give me 1000 different answers but I was hoping maybe someone that reads my blog might have a “tried and true” product they love? I know I need to find a shampoo that gets the chlorine out. The UltraSwim I have been using is killing my hair. Too many Sulfites I guess.  I may just end up having to give up the coloring on my hair.  I know that sounds like a horrible though.  I mean, I just do it myself at home anyway.  It isn’t as if I am paying hundreds of dollars to have someone put color and highlights in my hair… heck I have issues paying to get my hair cut some days.  My hair is short, my color is important.  As I get older the grey becomes more apparent and I am not vain about it, it’s been there since I was 12… henna was my dye of choice at that age… and it was MESSY!!!

So I guess what I am saying is to the swimmers out there, aside from winning the lottery and being able to move somewhere with my own private water source, be it a body of water that is natural, or putting in my own with lighting to treat it in addition to the chemicals does anyone have any suggestions on chlorine removing shampoo or body products?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind the smell of the chlorine… I kinda like it (does that make me weirder than I am?)  I just figure it can’t be good for my skin.

Injuries and Setbacks

Welcome to 2013.

Here I sit, a year in this chair at work, older and wider. I have become what I feared, my old self.  While I have not made the return to the 400+ pound person that I once was, I have to face the harsh reality that the scale now reads 300 pounds.  OUCH! I share this with you, my pain.  My setback.  Not however my failure.  Failure would be giving up, and giving up is giving in.  I still wish to see change in my life.  I wish to feel the way I did when I was healthier.  However I am struggling.

I feel as though my body is failing now.  Doctors one by one look at me and are puzzled by the next step to take.  Physical therapy fails to do what it is intended to do, medications don’t have their usual, or intended effects on me, and here I sit.  In pain.  The darkness that lives inside of me creeps into the rest of my life, and I pull away.  I pull back from friends, and from family.  I cut off relationships with those who only wish to help me.  I cut ties with those who only ever want me to succeed.  The darkness has become my home.  I go to work in the dark, I get up at 3am head to work in the dark, I work all day at least I have a window, I head home make dinner and sleep.

There is no gym activity for me these days, I wish I had the energy to go, I would say I wish I had the time, but I could make the time.  The fact is when I have the time available to get the the pool at the YWCA, the swim team is there taking up the pool.  I can only blame myself for the lack of activity, but the pain I feel is real.

So what happens when you feel like crap? Well I can tell you when I feel like crap I eat like crap.  While I continue to eat “healthy” “well balanced” “good for you” foods, the quantity of them has increased.  My dinner salad became a double portion, with 2 servings of lean meats on it.  My coffee went from being a tall to a venti.  Food is love, and appreciation as I baked and baked through the holidays making so many cookies that I even dropped cookies off of my neighbors doorsteps whom I had never met before, that just moved into our building.

I see people reaching out to me, to help me come to the light, invites to activities, but it really consumes all my energy to leave the house, and when it isn’t something my heart is into, I just, don’t want to do it.

I am looking forward to fitbloggin 2013, I have registered for a 5k, which I plan to walk in July, and I am hopeful to walk one in April as well.  I am setting small goals for myself.  I want to get back to my old self… However it is so hard when I am battling a body that feels like it is falling apart.  My back issues are failing to improve.  I now have both lower back, and upperback/cervical spine issues.  My meds have been increased.  I ended 2012 unable to look up/down left/right.  I thought to myself how can I look into my future when I can’t very well look to see if a car is coming so I can pull out into traffic.  The PF in my feet is still there, the bone spur in my heel hurts, but I have struggled against worse.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  I need to get back in a place in my mind where I remember that I am strong.  I am Powerful.  I need to stop being so harsh on myself, but I need to be strict with myself.  I need someone to help me be accountable for my action, and inaction.  I need a team.

I am once again in the market for a new gym.  I am thinking of a 5day pass to the YMCA here in the Twin Cities, I hear their pools have a bit more availability to meet my needs.  I just… I won’t give up.  I want my clothes to fit right.  I want to be happy.  I will not be a big fat failure.

Sharing Circle

So in going to my meetings at Weight Watchers I have been forcing myself to talk, or rather, perhaps a better way to phrase it is that I have found myself opening up to the groups I have been with.  Offering suggestions tips and tricks of what has helped me along the way so far.  In my mind I can feel the members that have been there a while rolling their eyes at me, because I am new to their program, but I have been at this a while and have seen measurable success on my own.

I have been going, on average to two meetings a week.  The leader I didn’t care for at first has grown on me, I think it was more the people at that first meeting I didn’t click with, and I think that had more to do with the weather, and the bad parking that weekend in the are around the location, and the fact that I was kind-of ignored and dismissed while I sat there.

I guess one of the things I am really enjoying about the program is actually the meetings.  I like going, and interacting with other people that are trying to do the same thing I am.  It isn’t that I feel alone, or lonely in the battle to get this weight off, I have concluded that there are very few people in the world that have never struggled with weight in one way or another, I just like hearing what others have to say.  I like that it gives me a feeling of community, it sparks my thought process for things like lunches and dinners, even if I don’t take the ideas and use them that week, I know they are planting seeds in the back of my mind for the future.  I also hope that what I have to share, in insight or past stumbling blocks for myself can help someone else there.  For example we were talking about tracking food last week, and how a “3 month tracker” which is a paper tracker shouldn’t last more than 3 months.  I use an electronic tracker now.  When I first started I used paper.  I liked paper, it was safe, I could erase things, I could reward myself on the paper with stickers if I was under my caloric goal for the day.  I had a whole system that I used, and it worked for me.  Eventually I went electronic because it was faster, and easier… and easier meant I could be lazier! Eventually I stopped tracking and I was one of those people who could have made that 3 month tracker last a year! I am bring very diligent and deliberate now with my tracking, and I know if one isn’t working I need to switch to the other.  I offered the hint/tip that I learned from a PriorFatGirl event about recording life events, special occasions, thoughts and feelings in the margins of your tracker.  It helps when you look back to identify patterns and stumbling blocks.  Everyone seemed to really like that idea, so I know that I am offering the group something not just taking.

However I can’t help but feel like I am playing teachers pet when I talk.  I am certainly not trying to be, but I want to be helpful to others where I can be.  So I hush myself, until I know that I have something that is truly helpful and applicable to everyone in the room, or a goodly majority and then I go from there.

Do you go to meetings? Do you talk?  Do you feel like you talk too much? How do you strike a balance with it? I would love to know what you think!

Choices

Do you ever feel trapped?  Like you will forever be fat? Destined to live the eternal life as the fat friend in the photos, the big one in your family, the one that never truly keeps the weight off? 

Do you ever feel like it doesn’t matter what you do it always remains the same?  Yep, that s where I have been lately.  Playing mini pity-party.  Looking at the picture, and thinking I have no choices it is be fat or be fat.  Truly we always have a choice.  Be fat and happy or be fat and miserable. Be fat and work to change things you don’t like, or be fat and work to make things worse. 

As I sat last night on the recumbent bike riding, being miserable, I thought about change.  I thought about the passion I used to have for working out.  I thought about my love for water aerobics, and my desire to outlast everyone in the gym on the elliptical.  Where had it gone.  My new job had killed the old me, or rather, the new me that came with this job had become complacent when I changed gyms. 

See the SNAP fitness I joined turned out to not be right for me.  It was more of a weight lifting gym, and I STILL don’t know how to use machines, not to mention it was more free weights than machines.  The arc trainer, which I tried so hard to enjoy, turned out to be more of an enduring thing.  The pain it caused in my hip was just not worth the price of admission.  I never built a community there, and I found myself doing things like taking walks around the lake for exercise to avoid going to the gym. Not that that’s a bad alternative but it isn’t truly exercise in the same way.

So as I said a few days ago on twitter, don’t mess with what works.  I have gone back to the YWCA in Minneapolis.  Just off Lake Street.  I have been everyday since I joined.  My schedule, with as many hours as I work, doesn’t allow me to workout like I once did, so burnout shouldn’t creep in as fast, but I know it will… because I have been complacent in my workout. 

Those choices I talked about not having, I had, and I made them… I made the choice to go home right after work, get in my jammies, cook dinner and be a lazy ass.  I admit I made bad choices and they have led me to gain some weight back.  I am not happy about it but I am the first to admit it.  My pants are tight, and it is uncomfortable.  I don’t like it.  Everyday after work I am heading to the gym.  45 mins is my compromise, I don’t have to like it I just have to do it.  I can spend those 45 mins however I like, on a bike, on an elliptical on the treadmill… sitting in the sauna if I really want to waste my own time. but I have to go. 

I thought about making Saturday morning optional, and it might be, after a while, bodies need a rest day, but breaking routine isn’t a good thing, but I get to go in the morning.  I think I might try Zumba Saturdays there is a class that looks like it might work with my schedule, and it might be fun, but I am totally uncoordinated, and if not I still should get in and do something.  This past weekend I got in.  Then Sundays are my Water Aerobics class!!! YAY!!! Back in the water again… where I belong, with my cohorts.  I went this Sunday and it was like being home.  The water caressed my skin and eased my pain. 

I was sorrowful for the time I had been away from it, but not for long, I jumped right back to my old self in class, enjoying banter with the other ladies, and catching up with the teacher.  It was a nice time, it was good to be back, and that Sunday Morning ritual should be an easy one to keep.

So I made the choice, to go back to something that worked, even if it isn’t quite in the same manner that it was.  I had to remind myself that there is always a choice, even if you don’t like the choices that are there.  Once you make that choice, you get new choices, and deciding not to decide is indeed a decision on its own, and not really a good decision. 

So back at it I go… again.

Live Big, Dream Bigger

So yesterday I met my friend Liz for coffee.  Despite me being sick and battling losing my voice, My outcry for help on twitter earlier this week went answered.  Liz got up before 8am, and out of the house to meet me for coffee and try to help me figure out why I am stuck.

We sat at a local coffee shop for nearly two hours talking about where I am, in lots of aspects of my life.  We talked about everything from the eating and exercise component, which I have mostly nailed at this point, but can always stand to use some tweaking, to my job and relationships and the dreaded future.

Yesterday I set two mini-goals with Liz’s help, stop enabling those around me to eat badly by purchasing cookies and doughnuts etc. (which I do for the office, and others around me).  I also intend to get off my diet soda habit again.  Last year at this time I gave up my diet coke habit and it has been finding its way back into my diet now that I am in the office.  On Friday I found that I consumed 3 or 4 cans of caffeine free diet coke.  This is not acceptable!  How much water did I have in that same amount of time that day? NONE!

Another thing we talked about was my job, and how unfulfilled I am.  It is no secret to anyone that sees me at the end of my day that this job is taking its toll on me.  It doesn’t give back, it doesn’t build me up or give my life meaning, it is a job. The tough part of the equation here is that I feel tuck, I need the money from the job, and I don’t know that I am qualified to do much else.  I lack the self-esteem and the knowledge of what else is out there.

Liz gave me some homework of researching 3 potential jobs of my choosing and how to get there, meaning what schooling is required, how much time would it take etc.  Trouble is I am unsure of what jobs I want, or would be good at.  If I suddenly won the lottery and didn’t have to work, would I walk away from my job?  Honestly, yes, but not until they had someone to replace me that was competent.  What would I do after that?  I don’t know, and that is the honest answer.  I know I would want to be somewhere that I could help people who were in the situation I was in.  Overweight, giving up hope, or struggling wanting to change their lives, wanting to get better these are the people I want to build up.  If I could do anything I would love to just be able to talk to these people, tell them not to give up, be a professional cheerleader to them.  I want to inspire people I want to keep them focused on what they want for themselves.  I want them to want success for them as much as I want it for them because in all honesty, I want success for each of my friends quite possibly more than some of them want it for themselves.  I just don’t know how to go about doing that.

I do know that I am not doing that at my job.  The closest I get to doing something that give back at my job is when we do some sort of transport of medical equipment, or transplant type stuff.  When I was young I had such clear goals I was going to be a pediatric orthopaedic surgeon… and then I started college, and realized that due to the lack of preparation I had from my highschool years and previous that I was basically going to have to start over from scratch in remedial classes, I switched majors, continued to work on my weaknesses and explored other options.  It was a slap in the face. I struggled so much at Penn State, and as my health faded, so did my grades and eventually I just stopped going to classes.

I let my failure be the bar by which I measure my worth.  I don’t have a college degree.  I have taken shit for it from people in my life who call themselves my friends.  I have taken shit for it from my family, why don’t you just go back to school.  Well, I still have to work, I still have weight to lose, there are hundreds of reasons.  I also, don’t know what I want to do.

I don’t know what I would be good at.  English isn’t my strong suit and the idea of having to write a paper terrifies me.  So what is a girl to do? Keep plugging along telling myself I can’t change my situation.  I have a resume together for a temp agency, but I feel like that i going to put me in the same situation I am in now, where it is still just going to be a job.  A job where I am unfulfilled a job where I give, and don’t feel.

Liz told me I need to learn to dream bigger for myself, and figure out what I want from my life.  I don’t know what I want from life… how does anyone go about figuring out what they want.  I mean I am 30, and clearly after this long I should have an idea right?  Knowing I was struggling with this we decided that perhaps the better place to start is knowing what I don’t want.  So that is where I am starting from right now.  What do I know I don’t want… Heck, most nights I can’t decide what I do and don’t want for dinner, how am I supposed to decide what I want for the rest of my life?!