Eyes Ahead to Fitbloggin

So here we are, in the thick of winter in Minnesota. It’s cold and it’s been “dark” here for what seems like eternity.  It’s dark when I get up for work most mornings, and the sun in setting, or set when I leave work.  The “real feel” temp this week was -33 when I went to work this week.  Key in the ignition of the car and I closed my eyes and hoped as it cranked hard, and then eventually purred to life.

Realistically I know the daylight is lasting a bit longer everyday, as I can see the sun out of my office window a little higher each day.  As I mentioned in my last blog post, I am inching my way into the anniversary of the”jump” that changed my life.  You have to jump before you can soar, or fall flat on your face as the case was the first time.  Last year when I left my job it could not have come at a more critical time.  I truly was at the end of a truly frayed rope, that had been tied and retied so many times. I as a shell of a person.

I was so afraid that in leaving my job that I would not be able to make it to Fitbloggin in Savannah.  Fitbloggin is Family.  I needed my family.  I needed my family more than ever after quitting.  When I attended Fitbloggin in Portland, I knew I needed to follow my heart and get thing in order… I didn’t attend the whole conference in Portland.  I spent some time connecting with actual family… that got me to my center… any a year later in Savannah, I cried when I saw my fit-family… and I cried as they departed, I held back sobs in the cab on the way to the airport in Savannah.

Savannah Fitbloggin provided me with the reinforcement I needed to know that I was on the right path.  Coffee and quiet heartfelt conversations, laughter so hard that it gives you a headache and the spins.  Hugs from Mickey Mouse… I mean Cmon… where else do you get a sense of belonging and acceptance no matter what choice you are making because it is what is best for you.  Even now thinking about Fitbloggin I get misty eyed.

This summer brings the opportunity to travel to Denver for the “family reunion” this year.  I can’t wait to see everyone again.  I’ve never been to Denver, just as I had never been to Savannah or Portland.  One of the great things about Fitbloggin the last few years is that it has been moving around. This allows us to see different cities and experience different things.  More than that it allows people from different parts of the country to get to the conference, that couldn’t based on the previous location.

One of my fears again taking the job I have now is that I wouldn’t have vacation to get away for Fitbloggin in June… right now my eyes are on the PTO accrual prize to get my 24 hours accrued so I can put in my request so I can have Thursday, Friday and Monday off (because who want’s to go back to work on a Monday!) I will have the time in, despite having to serve Federal Jury Duty in March, so I will be there.

I can’t wait to get #AllTheHugs and have #AllTheFeelings.  I have been working on my goals that I set for myself during the #JustTrollin session hardcore for the last few weeks and I am actually seeing results.  Now that I am finally in a stable environment with my job where I feel secure I am getting “into the flow.”  I want results by the time I reappear at Fitbloggin even if I am the only one seeing the results of my work.  The changes I have made I don’t know that I would be as comfortable with without my friends. It’s time to thank everyone!

Are you coming to <a href”http://www.fitbloggin.com”>Fitbloggin</a&gt;? If you haven’t been before you don’t need to be afraid, people are VERY welcoming.  Plus you can always come find me! 😀

When #JustTrollin means #WycWyc

So today I arrived at my friend Jeans house for a pre-baby shower dinner party. I was early I had come from work. I didn’t know when she and others would be arriving.
Instead of sitting around in the car listening to podcasts or music I took to her quiet neighborhood and went for a walk. Yes I’ve still got the sniffles, no I wasn’t in workout clothes, no I didn’t know where I was going and didn’t plan on it. So what.
I had time and it wasn’t going to go to waste! No more sitting on my rear!! Get it in gear!!

Feedback Because I’m Still #JustTrollin

So… Fitbloggin is over… back to the real world. Work, life, love, relationships, friendships, be them old or new everything in my life falls under the microscope when I return.  Every morsel that enters my field of vision is being scrutinized extra carefully.  THIS is honestly part of what I look forward to coming back from Fitbloggin.

At the conference so many of us talk about having out batteries “charged” or “recharged” I think of it as being supercharged… and with the creation of #justtrollin and #tribelove I hope that it will allow the charge to last just a bit longer.  I know it wont extend the selfie-shelf life or bring the warmth of the amazing hugs along with it but it might just keep the lazer focus.

Focus… something that I need.  I have heard from several people who read the blog in my offline life, that don’t comment (or rarely do so) that they feel the empowerment that is coming from this blog right now.  The trick is going to be keeping up with it.

I am SO THRILLED it seems that those around me that read my last #JustTrollin blog understood what was going on.  They understood that what I am asking for is to be called on the bull that is going on.  I want to be held accountable.  I don’t want to order something healthy then eat the fries off your plate and have you say, oh its okay… a bite wont hurt you.  I don’t want someone telling me you deserve a treat you worked out, or you need to treat yourself… I need someone reminding me that those things aren’t getting me closer to my goals.

It isn’t that I don’t know that the cupcake is not a great choice, even if it fits within the calorie or weight watchers plan for the day… but there are better choices. It isn’t that I can NEVER have the fries, but I need to be responsible for the decision to have them not take them off someone else’s plan. It seems like people are getting on board with this. Those that aren’t understanding this… well… your relationship with me may have to be put on lockdown… just like those treat days.

The thing about this blog is, since I took the job change that led to my weight gain I did nothing but bitch about what the problem was. I bitched about what I couldn’t get to work. I whined and complained that things were hard and I didn’t have time. Well you know what life is hard and we have changed the situation.

I am no longer in that job, and while I am starting to have progress I am still not giving 100% to what is actually one of my top priorities. I am okay with the fact that one of my priorities is to lose weight. I am okay being selfish in wanting to not be fat anymore… more than not wanting to be fat I just want to feel good. I want to feel “healthy”.

I don’t want my blog to be a reflection of a big whiner that just makes excuses. As Dan pointed out at the welcome mixer, I have a story. I have the confidence to overcome the obstacles that have been placed in my way over and over again. If I can’t go over them I have gone under, or around or even through them.

Why should my weight be any different… well the truth is it isn’t any different. I guess I am again calling myself out in this post for half assing too much of my life. The last two Saturdays I have broken some major walls down in my own active life as far as steps and actual amounts of activity go.

I plan on being active tomorrow, (July 5th) It is going to be hot, and gross, but Sunday (July 6th) is my birthday… I will be 33, and it is time to celebrate another year entering it strong and feeling empowered. The time to feel like a victim for my circumstances has come and gone.

I am leading by example, for myself, for my friends, and for the people who I don’t know. I will not end up a statistic. I will not be someone people have to mourn and miss because I died too young. The time is now.

 

 

How I Re-Learned to AFWIW at FitBloggin

Sunrise in Savannah

Sunrise in Savannah

So I am going to skip past a Fitbloggin recap for a bit. I can do what I want, it’s my blog. For those that follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, you have already seen photos of me with celebrities like Mickey Mouse, Jeff Galloway, and Arian Foster.  You have seen the never ending stream of selfies with people that mean the world to me. The conference was amazing, I didn’t want to leave. For those outside the FitBloggin Community that want to see my Saturday photos you can check them out on my Flickr Album.  This post isn’t going to be about the fun. This post is about reality.

Fitbloggin Yoga

FitBloggin Yoga with Kia
Photo by CarrieD Photography

So it’s time to get real honest with myself, and you all. At Fitbloggin this year I showed up at the same weight as last year… maybe even a few pounds heavier. So… what gives? You have all heard me talk time and again over the last few years about my job.  Specifically now my former job.  I had gone from nearly 450 pounds to 250 pounds… that was before my first fitbloggin.  During my first Fitbloggin I was already in a slide.  An uncontrolled slide where my job was effecting my eating and exercise.  I had gone from spending hours a day in the gym, eating right and making myself a priority or working 10-12 hours a day, eating whatever I could shove into my mouth between phone calls, and not getting a break.  I would workout when it was convenient.

In March I steered away from the skid, applied the brakes after regaining what I claimed was about 50, but what was actually closer to 70 or 80 pounds of my weight. back.  I was no where near the 450 pounds that I once was but anyone with half a brain could see the writing on the wall. I was unhappy and needed to change.

I started making working out sort-of a priority in my life again, before work I would *try* to get to the gym three days a week.  I would *mostly* eat right, and by mostly I mean about 50/50 not 80/20. My body would hurt and I would let myself use it as an excuse. I just renewed my drivers license… and I what exactly what I did when I renewed it 4 years ago. Talk about a wake up call, I know I wasn’t standing still the last four years, but I sure wasn’t making progress.

FitBloggin TeamLast year when I was at Fitbloggin I was mostly a wallflower.  I didn’t speak to many people.  I was shy when introducing myself.  This year I walked up to people head held high and asked for what I wanted.  Whether it was a photo, or to join a table for lunch I felt more confident.  I was AFWIW (asking for what I wanted).

On Saturday I had a goal for myself… I wanted to hit 200% of my activity goal on my Polar Loop.  I knew my eating was going to be slightly off during the next few days.  I pushed myself through Yoga, which was at 0600, not really early, then through the Tough Love session… which I really needed. It’s what this post is actually about in the end.  Then it was onto Zumba.  I had no lunch plans for the day, and so I wandered along the river.  Right to the candy shop where I was picking up pralines for some friends back home.  I decided that ice cream was the best choice for lunch since I had done so much working out already.  I didn’t give it a second thought as I ordered a single scoop of peanut butter ice cream in a waffle cone.  I wandered along the river eating my ice cream looking at cars.

When I got back to the hotel all I could think was how glad I was no one saw me eating ice cream! This was a wake up call to myself… I wished I hadn’t eaten that ice cream… not only because the dairy made me all stuffy, but because it was  something that wasn’t a good choice for my goals.  My results are a direct correlation of my choices.  I brushed it off… but wished I had been the recipient of some #ToughLove from some friends there.

Polar Loop InterfaceWell the numbers don’t lie, this is a screenshot from my Polar Loop iPhone interface. The truth is you can’t out exercise your bad diet choices right?  I weigh in on Saturday morning to see how my trip went.  I have NEVER in my life had exercise look like that before.  In all honesty there is a part of me that knows I am going to have a gain coming out of vacation… not because I ate badly while at Fitbloggin… in fact the ice cream, and a few handfuls of popcorn late at night are probably the worst of any of my indulgences.

Why am I expecting a gain this week then?  Because I am now back home… and I can’t get back into my routine! I am sick, I caught the crud that Edith had during our time rooming together.  I just want to eat junk, like chicken fingers and fries, and rest.  My lung capacity is near nothing right now.  I mean, I am puffing albuterol every few hours right now, that’s legit… but the food. c’mon… fries, chicken fingers… NO. Just no.

How long is reasonable to nurse this sickness? …

AFWIW… Help me with a battleplan here! I need to fight! I need to be on track and stay on track… So Kris no more fucking around… no more, got it?! It has to stop unless you want to be 350,400,450 pounds again and feel like you are going to die. Remember how scared you were that no one would be able to carry your casket? Remember being afraid they would have to cut the house open to get you out? Remember having to crawl across the floor because you were in so much pain from everything being wrong with you… because if you want to go back to that, then by all means just give up… and go hit KFC, DQ, and BK and make yourself sick by making yourself sick. The eating out, has got to stop, the Starbucks trips for anything other than a black Americano, the bed time snacks, the skipping the gym it all has to stop.  Times are tough, but you are tougher… you  know what you want, it is time to go after it, and stick with it. Lead by example. Friends, I need you not to be enablers. Call me on things you see going wrong! You see what I post to instagram or facebook, if you see me heading off the rails, it is okay to speak up! I am asking this of you! Be a friend, not an enabler!