Beginning Day 6

So here I sit, at the car dealer waiting on an oil change. The smell of buttery FREE popcorn lingers in the air mixing with the fat and sugary smell of FREE puffy fluffy doughnuts from a local grocery store. Endless refills of coffee tea and water are at my disposal and I sit tap tap tapping away on my iPad.
Today marks Day Six of what I am in my head labeling my reboot, or reemergence into conrol. Yesterday my wonderful boss bought the whole team lunch, from Chipotle. Yea, Chipotle…. That means free guacamole, yoknow they charge extra for that right?! … Normally I would be beside myself excited for a chance to get my Salad/Bowl on and I wold jump at the chance to have Chipotle,but my lunch was already in the fridge. Just take it home and have it for dinner my coworkers told me. Dinner was already at home in the fridge.
I stood my ground and an ate my pepperjack burger, with sweet potato chili slices, and jicima and drank my water. I avoided eye contact with the guacamole. I won. Do I want Chipotle… yes… will I eat Chipotle again… yes… but did I decide that if I am going to splurge on something off my designated plan right now it should be with y husband.
Free food is EVERYWHERE, and it is a trap. It’s a trap I fall into fom time to time, and I know I have written about before. Whether it is the upsizing of America where for only $.50 more you can get twice as much orthe fact that there is food everywhere. My appointment here at the car dealership this morning I knew was going to be plagued with doughnuts, so I ate before I came, I have my water and coffee with me here at the table, and I have my snack in my bag.
These are habits I have followed all along, but I have fallen away from tracking and measuring. Tracking is SO crucial to success for me… but more than tracking is measuring, and that is where things get so tricky for me. I get so obsessive about things being precise with my measurements. I accelled in science and chemistry because I wanted those things to be SO PRECISE.
I hve been tracking my food intake for six days now, along with food I am working on just rounding measurements. Not grams and quarters of calories and points of grams of fat. I am for the most part trusting nutrition labels to be what they say they are. I am not scooping my Yoplait greek whips yogurt out of the cup to weigh it and make sure it is or isn’t actually the weight and calories it says that it is. (Yes, I am well aware that this is a sign of an eating disorder)
I am working on the very cliche progress not perfection motto right now to get myself back to feeling better. After only just the first, well five full days, I feel like I am already noticing a shift. I am sure that part of this is just the “motivation momentum” and the commitment part will still have to kick in. But I am really afraid that I am going to slide back to where I was back in 2009 if I don’t start to turn things around. I want to be the Kris from 2011 before I made the deision to take the “job from hell” that really led to my fall from grace.

And they lived happily ever after.

Thats where the blog ends folks. Or so I was deeply contemplating. I mean, after the termination of my job just before the wedding my footing was shaken. Deeply shaken. I wondered, no I vocalized to my now husband that I had made a mistake in leaving my old job, you know that job the one that sent my healthy lifestyle backward.
I was jumping, spreading my wings trying to follow through on the goal that I had set for myself with my 2014 word of the year. Do you remember that word? Honor… It’s been ringing through my mind the last week or so since it is time to either set a goal, make a resolution or pick a new word for the year.
Looking back at 2014 did I do enough to deem my year a “success” and who would be the final judge of that. I left the job where I was not being challenged in a way that was positive. The job I was in on January 1, 2014 was one that was not a positive one for me in many ways. It was slowly killing me, mentally, physically, emotionally. I jumped, and didn’t land in a place that was the right fit unfortunately. Did that mean that I wasn’t honoring myself or was I still honoring myself because I continued to fight to find something new, instead of jut going back to what I knew? Was I tempted to return to my old ways? Yes, mildly and for the wrong reasons.
I pushed forward in 2014, searching for a job where I would be part of something bigger, where there would be value placed on my suggestions. I found a job with a company where I am happy, and I feel that I will be able to make a career for myself. A company with values that match mine and a mission and vision that I can support.
In 2014 I of course got married, Robb and I fortified our now 10 years together surrounded by friends and family. We weren’t very traditional about it. We brought together our families, because it was important to them to be there, and our chosen family because it was important for us to have them here. Laughter was what I wanted most from our day, and bacon… both of which were plentiful that September morning.

So why the though of leaving the blog behind? I have kind of lost my voice during the last year. I have been so focused on trying to honor myself, I have felt that I didn’t need to share as much. That said, January 3, 2015 would have been the 3rd anniversary of my taking the job that I think was the biggest backward step in my healthy journey. I need to go back to square one as I can feel my health, what is left of it slipping away from me.

In November I got another medical diagnosis, PCOS. Not surprised, it was always lurking in the background, likely made worse by the rapid weight loss that happened before. So I need to start meal planning, exercise, water all of it. It all needs to start again and if I become obsessive I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

So in the trend of New Years Posts… and being undecided about how much I will blog 2015’s word of the year is not a word, but a phrase. Make choices based in intention not from habit.

Happy 2015 friends!