Feedback Because I’m Still #JustTrollin

So… Fitbloggin is over… back to the real world. Work, life, love, relationships, friendships, be them old or new everything in my life falls under the microscope when I return.  Every morsel that enters my field of vision is being scrutinized extra carefully.  THIS is honestly part of what I look forward to coming back from Fitbloggin.

At the conference so many of us talk about having out batteries “charged” or “recharged” I think of it as being supercharged… and with the creation of #justtrollin and #tribelove I hope that it will allow the charge to last just a bit longer.  I know it wont extend the selfie-shelf life or bring the warmth of the amazing hugs along with it but it might just keep the lazer focus.

Focus… something that I need.  I have heard from several people who read the blog in my offline life, that don’t comment (or rarely do so) that they feel the empowerment that is coming from this blog right now.  The trick is going to be keeping up with it.

I am SO THRILLED it seems that those around me that read my last #JustTrollin blog understood what was going on.  They understood that what I am asking for is to be called on the bull that is going on.  I want to be held accountable.  I don’t want to order something healthy then eat the fries off your plate and have you say, oh its okay… a bite wont hurt you.  I don’t want someone telling me you deserve a treat you worked out, or you need to treat yourself… I need someone reminding me that those things aren’t getting me closer to my goals.

It isn’t that I don’t know that the cupcake is not a great choice, even if it fits within the calorie or weight watchers plan for the day… but there are better choices. It isn’t that I can NEVER have the fries, but I need to be responsible for the decision to have them not take them off someone else’s plan. It seems like people are getting on board with this. Those that aren’t understanding this… well… your relationship with me may have to be put on lockdown… just like those treat days.

The thing about this blog is, since I took the job change that led to my weight gain I did nothing but bitch about what the problem was. I bitched about what I couldn’t get to work. I whined and complained that things were hard and I didn’t have time. Well you know what life is hard and we have changed the situation.

I am no longer in that job, and while I am starting to have progress I am still not giving 100% to what is actually one of my top priorities. I am okay with the fact that one of my priorities is to lose weight. I am okay being selfish in wanting to not be fat anymore… more than not wanting to be fat I just want to feel good. I want to feel “healthy”.

I don’t want my blog to be a reflection of a big whiner that just makes excuses. As Dan pointed out at the welcome mixer, I have a story. I have the confidence to overcome the obstacles that have been placed in my way over and over again. If I can’t go over them I have gone under, or around or even through them.

Why should my weight be any different… well the truth is it isn’t any different. I guess I am again calling myself out in this post for half assing too much of my life. The last two Saturdays I have broken some major walls down in my own active life as far as steps and actual amounts of activity go.

I plan on being active tomorrow, (July 5th) It is going to be hot, and gross, but Sunday (July 6th) is my birthday… I will be 33, and it is time to celebrate another year entering it strong and feeling empowered. The time to feel like a victim for my circumstances has come and gone.

I am leading by example, for myself, for my friends, and for the people who I don’t know. I will not end up a statistic. I will not be someone people have to mourn and miss because I died too young. The time is now.

 

 

FitBloggin14… The Short Short Version.

Sunrise in Savannah

“Minimize the regrets in your own life by doing everything with intention.”

Those words were the first of many pebbles of wisdom that rained down on me during Fitbloggin14.  They did not come from a fellow blogger, or sponsor.  They did not find their way into my mind from a yoda meditation or a workout… they came from my cab driver “Bunny Man” on my way to the hotel on Thursday shortly after landing in Savannah.

I wanted to recap my Fitbloggin post with #ALLTHEPHOTOS since last year I took a grand total of three photos… Sad right?  This year I took 400+ photos on Saturday with an SLR that are over on Flickr.  I like to think of these as my gift back to my Fitbloggin family.  So many people leave having not taken photos other than selfies.  I never got to complete the walk I started on Thursday (the beginning of that album) on Sunday due to just being drained of all my energy from lack of sleep.

I did however manage to be part of TONS of selfies!!! the proof is in the pudding….

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Those photos are in no particular order… and I am sure I am missing a few photos there… it is so hard to wrap up so much amazingness with a nice neat little bow.  It just doesn’t happen.

Perhaps a highlight reel?

  • Nearly putting Alan through the glass doors in the lobby for a hug
  • Conga Line during ice breakers the first night
  • French Macaroons & Starbucks with Kenlie
  • MICKEY MOUSE in the HOUSE!!!
  • Yoga where I cried
  • Zumba where I cried
  • Tough Love where we established #JustTrollin and #TribeLove
  • Ignite- All of it, from Dre’s rap to Gerri sharing so much with us about Roni
  • Finding my Celery Stalker had been in my bed while I was out of the room!! #CrisperDrawerLove
  • JeffGalloway when I cried telling him about Margaret, and he just let me ramble on.
  • Discovering I don’t like pralines, but I do still love popcorn!
  • ALL THE HUGS
  • ALL THE SELFIES
  • ALL THE FRIENDS
  • ALL THE EVERYTHING!

I miss everyone… It was a rough journey getting back home from Savannah. Many tears were shed leaving the hotel. I am thankful Erin was willing to chat with the chatty cab driver because I wasn’t up for anything except holding everything inside.  DubyaWife, Erin and I encountered some plane trouble.  It made me miss my connection… I got the last open seat on the red eye back to Minneapolis… and barely made it onto that flight.  Erin ended up having to stay another night… but that is her story to tell.

I am already looking forward to Fitbloggin15, my eyes are on Denver. My goals are to me SMALLER, STRONGER, FITTER, and just as Fabulous by the time I see many of the people I met. I have plans to hopefully reconnect with several of my friends before a year has passed, as we all focus on living with intention and being more authentic in our intentions.

Start saving your dollars now… you wont want to miss out on Denver, I don’t want to be sending you a “wish you were” here postcard or linger in the sunrise sipping coffee thinking of you.

FitBloggin Saturday Night At A Glance

Here is just a small sampling of what is to come when I recap my FitBloggin’ 14 experience.  I wanted everyone to see how amazing Saturday night was… I cannot say it enough… Start saving for Denver… it will IGNITE a change in your life!

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There are another 400+ photos on Flickr…

Fitbloggin is Days Away!

OMG!! Fitbloggin is days away! The excitement is building inside of me, but I am trying to keep it quelled. I have not set my sights yet on my one don’t miss thing in Savannah like I did last year. Last year was my first Fitbloggin. I was a ball of hundreds of feelings. Portland was a great experience. It was a culmination of so many things that actually led me to be reunited with my cousins whom I had not seen in basically half my lifetime. I was set to travel with friends last year, we had flights booked together and things started changing and I ended up flying out on a flight alone. It was fine, I wore my branded shirt in hopes of someone approaching me at the airport, because I was destined to spend the first several hours alone… or so I thought.

I was so blessed that Brooke approached me at the airport. Turns out she was on my flight! We rode to the hotel together, and bummed around the city a bit. We bumped into bloggers in the lobby that I was stunned to find out knew who I was. I don’t expect anyone to know who I am this year, nor did I last year.

This year my original roommates have had to sadly cancel. I luckily was able to join forces with Liz and will be sharing a room with her for the duration of the trip. (which means I get baby-holder dibs!!) I will miss so many of the wonderful people that won’t be making it this year that I bonded with last year. I know situations aren’t always ideal to get away. Family, work, costs all effect being able to get to the family reunion. Know if you aren’t there this year, you are being carried in peoples hearts, truly. You will be missed.

To those that are coming for the first time this year, please come find me. Last year I was so scared to branch out and say hello to people. I stuck close to those I knew, and I Was afraid to approach people for fear of it being clique-ish. What I quickly came to learn is everyone is so wonderful! We all have stories, and the more you talk to people, the more you are going to want to get to know people! I hope to make more of an effort to engage with people this time, however there is only so much time.

Be prepared to laugh and cry. Be prepared to feel things you didn’t expect. Be ready to try new things and step out of your comfort zone. Be open to opportunities this is a safe place. Be prepared for “the hangover” which isn’t alcohol, but a desire to be with your tribe.

Look for me, and I will look for you, be warned I won’t remember your name. I am horrible with names. I may address you by your twitter handle or blog name. Be in photos! I barely took any last year, this year I want photos and lots of them. Experience the event, and take it in in whatever way you do.

Tweet me/DM me, friend me via the Facebook group and I will give you my cell number to text me if you are worried you won’t have someone to talk to or sit with.

It’s time to dig out those suitcases kids! Kris is Coming to Savannah!

#fitbloggin Photo recap!

Okay, so I am lazy… I admit it… The rest of my fitbloggin recap is just going to be the photos off my camera as I was finally able to get them downloaded this morning… and then I will photo recap my whirl-wind tour of the coast too!

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Kris, Liz, & Mer. Fitbloggin Roomies

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Light fixture reminded me of a Jellyfish

SoyJoy Sponsor Table

Soy Joy Sponsor table

Reebok Sponsor Table

Reebok Sponsor Table (SHOES!!!!)

JumpSport Sponsors!

Jumpsport Trampoline! Sponsor table!

Start of Swag!

And then there is the start of the Swag…

Amazing Fitbloggin13 Staff working hard at registration

The awesome Fitbloggin13 staff!

Killer Posters!

Signage so we don’t miss stuff!

One of the elevator lobbies at our beautiful hotel.

The elevator lobbies were beautiful and calm.

our swanky Hotel

And the hotel was Swanky!

Lunch

Lunch before the fashion show, Fun clique-mixer! Tables were labeled with different things you were encouraged to meet new people. I sat at the Midwest table

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Meow

final breakfast. :(

Breakfast the last morning

Kenlie and Dani!!

Kenlie and Dani being their Rockstar selves!

Mer's leftover Voodoo Doughnuts

Mer’s leftover Voodoo doughnuts!

Voodoo Aftermath Liz

Liz’s Leftover Voodoo’s!

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Flowers in the lobby of the hotel!

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Sadness…. Is it really time to go.

Goodbye

See ya Next Year Fitbloggin…. Good Bye Portland!

A Moment for Healing

Friday nights, quite possibly the single best night of the week for me now.  The end to a 50-plus hour work week, the prospect of 2 glorious days without an alarm clock to go to work. As bad as a Friday at work can be, it can be over when I shut the door to the office look up and the sky take a deep breath and walk to my car.

This past Friday was a shining example to me of a life I never thought I would have.  After work I headed off to the store to scoop up things for a dinner party, but not a party at my house… not yet. We were celebrating change in the life of a woman dear to me.  A very close friend had just finished a grueling course schedule, along with a super demanding job, and is getting ready to move! Talk about a reason to party.  I loaded the car with all kinds of stuff, chicken, cake, tons of veggies, booze, flowers, and hit the road windows down!

I sang and danced in my car in traffic, yes I am THAT person.  I sang loudly, I laughed at the people getting angry as people did the zipper merge, I felt the sun on my skin through the open windows.  Life was good.  I pulled up to Manda’s place with the radio cranked up singing.  We laughed at the amount of stuff piled in my car… Kelly was there, she helped by steadying the shopping cart as we loaded it full of stuff… As I parked my car I smiled, this is my life.  Friends.  As we unloaded the stuff and I situated things around the place, I got a call wanting to know if I was still going to need help… friends… people who help when you are in need… My heart was heavy, one of my very best friends was too ill too attend.  I respect her need to be home, I was happy to have shared a chat on the phone with her earlier in the night.  I busied myself in the kitchen, everyone was hungry.  We were going to eat in stages on this night.  Diving into food it was so funny to watch everyone laugh and chat and come together as a group.

We are all so different, from all over the country really, some native to MN, some have been here since they were kids, brought here from the west coast others landed here from the east coast.  All different strengths and weaknesses, so different yet so much the same.  We all walk the same path, we all struggle, and lift one another up in our time of need.  This is family, friendship, love, and strength.  This is what community is about.  When they say it takes a village to raise a child… this is what they are speaking of.

I watched Sean dance with a young girl, Manda give horsey rides, and I watched newer friends meet older friends.  I did what fills me with so much fulfillment, and cooked with love for my family.  Served up with love!  I think it made Manda a bit uncomfortable that I was serving people but it is what I do!  Advice, discussions, silliness, and sincerity continued late into the night.  I hated to leave at the end of the night.

I was the last one to leave.  I lingered in the parking lot talking to Manda long after everyone left.  I didn’t want the night to end. There was a time when my weekend nights involved sitting home playing xbox live… those people were my friends.  They knew I laughed loudly, and flirted outrageously, and had a big personality… and a heart to match. They didn’t have to see me, I never had to see them… I was protected, I was safe.

I don’t have to live that way anymore, I shouldn’t have had to feel like that was the only way to live before.  I am so blessed to have so many freakin amazing people in my life right now, and I know I would never have found them without going through all of the crap that I did.  I am so thankful for each and every friend I have, I wish there was some way for me to show, or tell those in my life ow much they mean to me, but there isn’t. There are no words to tell those that you love, you changed my life, gave me hope and make me a better person to the degree that my friends have made me.

My friends are my family, and I would lay down my life for them.  I never thought I would find so many people that I could love like this, but I wouldn’t trade them in for all the money in the world.  This is who I am… I do not recognize myself, my heart is healing from the hurt and I am finding that I am okay with that.

Quitting Weight Watchers

So since July I have been doing Weight Watchers.  I have done as I promised myself, I gave into the plan.  I followed the weird math, I did the plan as it was intended.  I didn’t use my weekly points, I used my weekly points.  I used all, I used some, I worked out a lot, I worked out a little.  I ate my target daily points, I ate less than my target points and here I sit, fluxing the same 15 lbs up and down.

Now there is something to be said about staying close to the same weight for a long period of time after having regained a bunch of weight, however I am not happy with this.  I wrote, I believe last time, maybe the time before, about how I am switching to VERY low carb, and gluten-free eating.  I would love to continue my Weight Watchers membership to get the meetings and the weigh in’s (I prefer to weigh in on someone else’s scale that doesn’t move around as opposed to mine that gets tossed in the closet after I weigh) however almost $50.00 a month is not worth getting on the scale 4 times.  I will miss seeing the excitement and progress others are making on their journeys, and I haven’t told anyone goodbye or why I am leaving.  I know my leader will be sad to see me go, but it isn’t working for me.

That after all is what this whole process is about. Finding what works for you, not what works for everyone else.  I can’t sit here and say, oh such and such worked for Emma and blah blah worked for Joe, because when it comes to these things, I am not them I am myself.  I have never been one to follow the crowd, actually that is something I pride myself on.  I may have my f2fpack, but I never run with the pack.  I follow my own drum and listen to what my body tells me is right.  I did far too much damage to my body when I was young by not eating enough thinking that was the only way.  Now with the wealth of knowledge available to me I know there are hundreds of ways to do things and I need to find what works for me.

I do know that tracking is the answer, however I think that tracking calories isn’t my answer. That led to a very dangerous world for me.  I know that when I track calories I become so hyper-focused on tracking every crumb and every morsel that it becomes a sickness.  I start to lose my grip on reality after a while.  It didn’t happen luckily when I was tracking points as much, but it was still there.  I think somewhere in my mind I just want so badly to succeed that I cannot let anything go.

I know that it takes time to get where I am going, and like everything worth doing it is worth doing well, and the right way.  So I bump along, wondering how anyone ever loses weight working full-time (50 hours a week minimum), squeezing in working out, and trying to maintain a relationship with loved ones, and friends.  It truly is no wonder I feel like I can’t ever catch up sometimes.

I find my center as I close my eyes, my bedtime is my time.  It is the commitment I make to myself.  It is the way I show myself respect, to let myself have rest.  When someone asks me how much sleep I got the night before I like to be able to answer 7 or 8 hours. I could take time from that to keep up with everyone else… but it is not worth the expense. I am doing what I need to do for me… and in the end, no one else can do this for me, or do it like me.