Beginning Day 6

So here I sit, at the car dealer waiting on an oil change. The smell of buttery FREE popcorn lingers in the air mixing with the fat and sugary smell of FREE puffy fluffy doughnuts from a local grocery store. Endless refills of coffee tea and water are at my disposal and I sit tap tap tapping away on my iPad.
Today marks Day Six of what I am in my head labeling my reboot, or reemergence into conrol. Yesterday my wonderful boss bought the whole team lunch, from Chipotle. Yea, Chipotle…. That means free guacamole, yoknow they charge extra for that right?! … Normally I would be beside myself excited for a chance to get my Salad/Bowl on and I wold jump at the chance to have Chipotle,but my lunch was already in the fridge. Just take it home and have it for dinner my coworkers told me. Dinner was already at home in the fridge.
I stood my ground and an ate my pepperjack burger, with sweet potato chili slices, and jicima and drank my water. I avoided eye contact with the guacamole. I won. Do I want Chipotle… yes… will I eat Chipotle again… yes… but did I decide that if I am going to splurge on something off my designated plan right now it should be with y husband.
Free food is EVERYWHERE, and it is a trap. It’s a trap I fall into fom time to time, and I know I have written about before. Whether it is the upsizing of America where for only $.50 more you can get twice as much orthe fact that there is food everywhere. My appointment here at the car dealership this morning I knew was going to be plagued with doughnuts, so I ate before I came, I have my water and coffee with me here at the table, and I have my snack in my bag.
These are habits I have followed all along, but I have fallen away from tracking and measuring. Tracking is SO crucial to success for me… but more than tracking is measuring, and that is where things get so tricky for me. I get so obsessive about things being precise with my measurements. I accelled in science and chemistry because I wanted those things to be SO PRECISE.
I hve been tracking my food intake for six days now, along with food I am working on just rounding measurements. Not grams and quarters of calories and points of grams of fat. I am for the most part trusting nutrition labels to be what they say they are. I am not scooping my Yoplait greek whips yogurt out of the cup to weigh it and make sure it is or isn’t actually the weight and calories it says that it is. (Yes, I am well aware that this is a sign of an eating disorder)
I am working on the very cliche progress not perfection motto right now to get myself back to feeling better. After only just the first, well five full days, I feel like I am already noticing a shift. I am sure that part of this is just the “motivation momentum” and the commitment part will still have to kick in. But I am really afraid that I am going to slide back to where I was back in 2009 if I don’t start to turn things around. I want to be the Kris from 2011 before I made the deision to take the “job from hell” that really led to my fall from grace.

Sitting Still

So my new job involves… a lot of sitting. There are at times a lot of ladder climbing, and a lot of running back and forth from the warehouse to my desk, but lets face it… Kris is now a desk jockey and her caloric intake needs to change.  How do I know this?  Well the scale has not been my friend. Due to the shift in my sleep pattern I have had ZERO energy to go to the gym like NONE.  I starter regaining momentum and now they are cranking my hours around again.

Once my schedule is set in stone I will have no issues forcing myself to pick a class, or a new gym if need be, and making the commitment and getting back there, but my body needs the sleep right now.  This coming week I will need to be at work at 4am every day.  That means the alarm will be ringing at 3:00am every morning. That is an ungodly hour, but I will be logging out of work at 2-ish.  Which will end up being a perfect time to hit the gym when I am finally stable.

I however have forgotten that with less activity to crank back my calories significantly.  Yep, things are not happy in diet-land.  I have not fallen victim to ordering in lunches or anything like that.  I pack my salads and yogurts etc.  However I am falling into that get home and I am hungry while making dinner problem.  I start eating, then eat a few hundred calories, (cheese, or crackers or  nuts etc) then dinner.  This week I am plotting everything out.  I wont have time to be messing around at home with cooking something complicated, I need to take tomorrow and shop and prep EVERYTHING for the week.  Cut up not just the veggies and lay out my fruit but cut up whatever proteins I will be cooking for the week, etc.

So I am going to try a spreadsheet/chart type deal tracking the calories in each potential meal and then I can shuffle them, but I need to crank back my calories.  I am not willing to let my new job ruin all the hard work I have accomplished thus far.  I am not giving up this fight.  I have come too far.

So I need to do some research for recipes that are easy-peasy quick and easy, low cal and taste good!

 

I also am sad that I don’t sem to have much time for blogging right now… that will hopefully change as I get more settled in my job… and on a set schedule… but for now it is what it is.

Also Congrats to Amanda for winning my 5-year Plan book giveaway!

Being Frank

I strive to be raw and honest here on my blog.  As many of you may have noticed the last few days there has been a distinct lack of posts.  Mostly I am out of words, I don’t have any exciting progress to report.  I am not losing, in fact I don’t even want to go near the scale out of sheer fear that it is heading the wrong way.

I am teetering here on the brink of a total meltdown.  I don’t know that I am actually strong enough to go the distance anymore.  See there are things we need to do in our lives.  There are also the things we want to do.  When I was 400+ pounds I needed to lose the weight or I was going to die.  Now I am in the 200’s and I have become comfortable.  I am not skinny, but I am not OMG look how BIG she is.  I am “socially acceptable fat”.

The biggest thing I am struggling with right now is that I have come so far… and I still feel like I have accomplished only a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done.  I feel like I am failing.  I feel like I fail myself, my family, and my friends because my progress isn’t where I want it to me.  Why do I keep fighting?  Is it even worth it? I mean seriously… Who loses as much weight as I have and is still fat?  I am where the “fat girls” start.  Where I am now in my healthiness journey is the part where the girls who were “hitting rock bottom” were when they started.

Do you know how bad it feels to know that I had to climb UP to hit that bottom? Do you know how hard it is to read about people who are “overweight” and “struggling to lose weight” when they only have 20 or 30 pounds to lose total.  I have lost that so many times over.  I can’t fathom having only that tiny amount to lose.

I want to quit.  I want to give up.  I want to throw in the towel.  I want to cry and be “normal.” I have given up tracking and I am sliding into a bad place.  handfuls of popcorn are being shoved into my mouth without being measured most nights before I go to bed.  I am still going to the gym and working out hard but I am sure my caloric deficit isn’t a deficit.  My body media fit tells me how much I burn… but I know it is less than what I am eating.  I am in trouble.  The road before me is long… and with each glance at my past I feel my grip on the paddle to my future dragging me backwards. I don’t want that road to be any longer than it already is! It is already far too long.  I don’t know if I will ever make it back to 249.  250 252 254 252 haunt me. The dream of getting to 199 pounds is a pipe dream.  Unattainable comes to mind.  Nothing worth having is easy.  I must continue to fight… but I am struggling.  I am acknowledging this.  Putting it out there.  So… there you have it.  Judge me if you will… but yep, I want to quit. I wont, but I want to.

If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress. ~Barack Obama

 

Pain and feeling failure

First thanks everyone for the Birthday wishes for Robb! He reads the blog and was happy to see my friends wishing him well.

The last few days have been a real struggle for me physically. It started with that knee pain I tweeted about. I thought it was the start of a Fibromyalgia flare and it seems I was right. I sit here a few days later still in pain, in other parts of my body. My lower back has always been a particularly sensitive part when I flare.

I have meds I can take when I flare I took one dose, I don’t like them. I don’t like feeling like shit either. The pills also make me crave junk. Tonight I have fallen off the wagon. I ate chips and half a chocolate bar. They tasted soo good. I did not inhale them, I savored them but they contained far more calories than I should have consumed.
I just want the pain to let up. I haven’t had a pain flare like this in a while, for which I am greatful. I forgot just how much days like these sucked.

So I am not beating myself up for my consumption, but I am making it public. I am sharing my rough day with you. I hope my pain lets up soon. 3-days has been enough.