Beginning Day 6

So here I sit, at the car dealer waiting on an oil change. The smell of buttery FREE popcorn lingers in the air mixing with the fat and sugary smell of FREE puffy fluffy doughnuts from a local grocery store. Endless refills of coffee tea and water are at my disposal and I sit tap tap tapping away on my iPad.
Today marks Day Six of what I am in my head labeling my reboot, or reemergence into conrol. Yesterday my wonderful boss bought the whole team lunch, from Chipotle. Yea, Chipotle…. That means free guacamole, yoknow they charge extra for that right?! … Normally I would be beside myself excited for a chance to get my Salad/Bowl on and I wold jump at the chance to have Chipotle,but my lunch was already in the fridge. Just take it home and have it for dinner my coworkers told me. Dinner was already at home in the fridge.
I stood my ground and an ate my pepperjack burger, with sweet potato chili slices, and jicima and drank my water. I avoided eye contact with the guacamole. I won. Do I want Chipotle… yes… will I eat Chipotle again… yes… but did I decide that if I am going to splurge on something off my designated plan right now it should be with y husband.
Free food is EVERYWHERE, and it is a trap. It’s a trap I fall into fom time to time, and I know I have written about before. Whether it is the upsizing of America where for only $.50 more you can get twice as much orthe fact that there is food everywhere. My appointment here at the car dealership this morning I knew was going to be plagued with doughnuts, so I ate before I came, I have my water and coffee with me here at the table, and I have my snack in my bag.
These are habits I have followed all along, but I have fallen away from tracking and measuring. Tracking is SO crucial to success for me… but more than tracking is measuring, and that is where things get so tricky for me. I get so obsessive about things being precise with my measurements. I accelled in science and chemistry because I wanted those things to be SO PRECISE.
I hve been tracking my food intake for six days now, along with food I am working on just rounding measurements. Not grams and quarters of calories and points of grams of fat. I am for the most part trusting nutrition labels to be what they say they are. I am not scooping my Yoplait greek whips yogurt out of the cup to weigh it and make sure it is or isn’t actually the weight and calories it says that it is. (Yes, I am well aware that this is a sign of an eating disorder)
I am working on the very cliche progress not perfection motto right now to get myself back to feeling better. After only just the first, well five full days, I feel like I am already noticing a shift. I am sure that part of this is just the “motivation momentum” and the commitment part will still have to kick in. But I am really afraid that I am going to slide back to where I was back in 2009 if I don’t start to turn things around. I want to be the Kris from 2011 before I made the deision to take the “job from hell” that really led to my fall from grace.

How Did Your Weekend Go?

How did your weekend go? Did you unintentionally undo the entire weeks worth of hard work over the weekend? Did you head out to a BBQ and have yourself a burger and a few bottles of beer along with a good time and forget about all the tracking and working out it takes to undo those choice? Did you sit in the dark of a movie theater shoving handful after handful of salty buttery warm popcorn into your mouth while viewing a summer blockbuster?
I am here to tell you it will be okay, it isn’t the end of the world, however I am also here to tell you that you need to nip that shit right now! I had a VERY successful weekend. I met, and actually exceeded my goals for activity (on both my Polar Loop, and Weight Watchers Active Link both days). I am super focused right now on what “could” happen if I just gave up.
I can’t give up. Right now I have been given a HUGE opportunity. The question is, what will I do with the opportunity. I have two options the way I see it. I can mope around and mourn the loss of my job, eat garbage and feel like I was a failure. Enter a shame spiral and then truly have failed myself, which will accomplish ZERO things to bring me closer to my goals. Or I can take this time to laser focus on what I want for my life. I am hunting for a job, and while I hunt I can take every opportunity to make sure my nutrition is on point and that I am getting as much activity in as possible. Yes this is ultimately causing a problem for my wedding… in that I now need to have my dress altered, but in the grand scheme of things… if that is the worst thing that is going on… that is truly a first world problem.
In general I don’t really find that weekends have been a problem for me, but I know in talking to a lot of people that it is a truly difficult time for most people to eat right. One of the things that has helped me stay the course, and is often focused on at Weight Watchers is having a snack on hand at all times. I ALWAYS have something on hand. I have had this in place since I was young. It was more ingrained in me because of my brother needing to have something incase his blood sugar dropped, but it carried over into my adult life. There was/is always something with me, be it in my purse or car. Usually Almonds, or an apple, I’ve been known to carry popcorn or string cheese (yes it gets warm, no i don’t care, or mind).
Another things that helps keep me on track for weekends is keeping my routine. I still have a bedtime and an “alarm” or wake up time on weekends. Everyone has a bedtime, not just kids. Whether you know it or not you have a bedtime, it is the time at which you go to bed. Mine tends to be the same time every night. This works for me, it helps ensure that I am “operating” at my best everyday. I prefer to get 8 hours of sleep, I can do with less, I don’t usually get much more because my body just won’t let me sleep more unless I need it.
The last few nights I have been up later than usual, like 10 or 11 PM, it’s okay it’s the weekend, but I am slipping out of my routine and that is stopping tonight.
Summer is starting to slip away, despite the fact that it seems Minnesota is now getting the hottest weather of the year. This means soon my favorite new activity (outdoor swimming) will end. Fall will bring the opportunity to find some new activities. I plan on at least a few 5k’s this fall/winter to help keep pushing me through. I also want to start a training plan and squirrling money away to eventually make my goal of a Disney Run a reality.
So now that Monday is here… are you going to be starting it right? I’ll be drinking my water, eating my veggies & lean protein and getting my exercise in. I want to see progress, I want to feel good, I want to know my hard work is paying off. What is one think you are going to work on this week?

Big Dreams for 33, and Food For Thought.

33… Yep, a double digit birthday. I am choosing to look at this birthday that has just come to pass as the birth of a positive year.  There are a lot of traditions and stigma about the number 33.  I believe (but am not sure so don’t quote me on it) that it is the Chinese that believe the number 33 and women are a bad mix.  There is some superstition about buying meat and chopping it?  What a waste if you aren’t going to eat it in my mind.

I am looking at 33 as holding extra possibilities for positive things to come my way this year.  33 when separated forms two prime numbers.  Two positive prime numbers.  I am welcoming the positive things into my life.  I spent my birthday setting a positive intention for myself, and for the future of others.  It can’t hurt right?

Thank you so much to everyone that wished me well for my birthday! It meant a lot to me that so many people from all over the world took a moment from their day to think of me and wish me well.  It lifted my spirits so high.  Thank you.

So I had planned on no cake for my birthday this year… and I mostly made it… mostly.  But the #JustTrollin side of me says it is time to fess up.  There was lots of cake… Sunday I made cake balls… actually Saturday and Sunday I made cake balls, but not for myself.  I made cake balls for a baby shower, and it was so much fun.  I sampled a bite of one.  That was enough.  There was also a very small Carvel ice cream cake that made its way into my house on Sunday night.  It was the smallest ice cream cake I have ever seen.  I only ever eat the vanilla ice cream off of those cakes so it was in the end a very successful birthday when it comes to food consumption.

I am working on putting together a training plan for myself this week.  With my epic sunburn still healing and my cold still in partial swing I have been a slacker at the gym.  I have been yelling at myself for not going already this week. Tonight I went to a new pool! Not a new gym… a new pool!

Bloomington PoolI confess… I love to swim… however I do not think that I have been swimming outside, since I was probably 16 or 17 years old.  Yep, I’ll wait while you do the math… yes, that would be somewhere in the neighborhood of 16 years of indoor only swimming.

Today I was brave.  I joined my friends Maria and Jean (and Jean’s son, my favorite little boy in the whole wide world Dexter) and went swimming after work!

imageI couldn’t get over how different it felt to be in the water outside in the sunshine.  Obviously I am a summer baby.  Mom tells me stories of how I could swim before I could walk… and how she spent the Fourth of July on a boat on the lake in a bikini because it was too hot for anything else and she just didn’t care what it looked like she was pregnant and uncomfortable.

I felt comfortable at the pool in my suit with my friends.  I jogged and bounced around in the water.  I swam around.  I soaked up some rays, carefully sunscreened 30 mins prior to going out in the sun this time.  I don’t need anymore nasty burns like the one I am still dealing with.

I can’t honestly wait to go back to the pool again.  I think this may have to become a supplement to my summer activity, and it might just be what I have been looking for to change up my summer routine.

Do you have a favorite activity that is different indoors than outdoors?  I know running has to be very different inside than outside, but I never thought swimming was all that different depending on the pools location.  This has been some great food for thought for me.

Feedback Because I’m Still #JustTrollin

So… Fitbloggin is over… back to the real world. Work, life, love, relationships, friendships, be them old or new everything in my life falls under the microscope when I return.  Every morsel that enters my field of vision is being scrutinized extra carefully.  THIS is honestly part of what I look forward to coming back from Fitbloggin.

At the conference so many of us talk about having out batteries “charged” or “recharged” I think of it as being supercharged… and with the creation of #justtrollin and #tribelove I hope that it will allow the charge to last just a bit longer.  I know it wont extend the selfie-shelf life or bring the warmth of the amazing hugs along with it but it might just keep the lazer focus.

Focus… something that I need.  I have heard from several people who read the blog in my offline life, that don’t comment (or rarely do so) that they feel the empowerment that is coming from this blog right now.  The trick is going to be keeping up with it.

I am SO THRILLED it seems that those around me that read my last #JustTrollin blog understood what was going on.  They understood that what I am asking for is to be called on the bull that is going on.  I want to be held accountable.  I don’t want to order something healthy then eat the fries off your plate and have you say, oh its okay… a bite wont hurt you.  I don’t want someone telling me you deserve a treat you worked out, or you need to treat yourself… I need someone reminding me that those things aren’t getting me closer to my goals.

It isn’t that I don’t know that the cupcake is not a great choice, even if it fits within the calorie or weight watchers plan for the day… but there are better choices. It isn’t that I can NEVER have the fries, but I need to be responsible for the decision to have them not take them off someone else’s plan. It seems like people are getting on board with this. Those that aren’t understanding this… well… your relationship with me may have to be put on lockdown… just like those treat days.

The thing about this blog is, since I took the job change that led to my weight gain I did nothing but bitch about what the problem was. I bitched about what I couldn’t get to work. I whined and complained that things were hard and I didn’t have time. Well you know what life is hard and we have changed the situation.

I am no longer in that job, and while I am starting to have progress I am still not giving 100% to what is actually one of my top priorities. I am okay with the fact that one of my priorities is to lose weight. I am okay being selfish in wanting to not be fat anymore… more than not wanting to be fat I just want to feel good. I want to feel “healthy”.

I don’t want my blog to be a reflection of a big whiner that just makes excuses. As Dan pointed out at the welcome mixer, I have a story. I have the confidence to overcome the obstacles that have been placed in my way over and over again. If I can’t go over them I have gone under, or around or even through them.

Why should my weight be any different… well the truth is it isn’t any different. I guess I am again calling myself out in this post for half assing too much of my life. The last two Saturdays I have broken some major walls down in my own active life as far as steps and actual amounts of activity go.

I plan on being active tomorrow, (July 5th) It is going to be hot, and gross, but Sunday (July 6th) is my birthday… I will be 33, and it is time to celebrate another year entering it strong and feeling empowered. The time to feel like a victim for my circumstances has come and gone.

I am leading by example, for myself, for my friends, and for the people who I don’t know. I will not end up a statistic. I will not be someone people have to mourn and miss because I died too young. The time is now.

 

 

How I Re-Learned to AFWIW at FitBloggin

Sunrise in Savannah

Sunrise in Savannah

So I am going to skip past a Fitbloggin recap for a bit. I can do what I want, it’s my blog. For those that follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, you have already seen photos of me with celebrities like Mickey Mouse, Jeff Galloway, and Arian Foster.  You have seen the never ending stream of selfies with people that mean the world to me. The conference was amazing, I didn’t want to leave. For those outside the FitBloggin Community that want to see my Saturday photos you can check them out on my Flickr Album.  This post isn’t going to be about the fun. This post is about reality.

Fitbloggin Yoga

FitBloggin Yoga with Kia
Photo by CarrieD Photography

So it’s time to get real honest with myself, and you all. At Fitbloggin this year I showed up at the same weight as last year… maybe even a few pounds heavier. So… what gives? You have all heard me talk time and again over the last few years about my job.  Specifically now my former job.  I had gone from nearly 450 pounds to 250 pounds… that was before my first fitbloggin.  During my first Fitbloggin I was already in a slide.  An uncontrolled slide where my job was effecting my eating and exercise.  I had gone from spending hours a day in the gym, eating right and making myself a priority or working 10-12 hours a day, eating whatever I could shove into my mouth between phone calls, and not getting a break.  I would workout when it was convenient.

In March I steered away from the skid, applied the brakes after regaining what I claimed was about 50, but what was actually closer to 70 or 80 pounds of my weight. back.  I was no where near the 450 pounds that I once was but anyone with half a brain could see the writing on the wall. I was unhappy and needed to change.

I started making working out sort-of a priority in my life again, before work I would *try* to get to the gym three days a week.  I would *mostly* eat right, and by mostly I mean about 50/50 not 80/20. My body would hurt and I would let myself use it as an excuse. I just renewed my drivers license… and I what exactly what I did when I renewed it 4 years ago. Talk about a wake up call, I know I wasn’t standing still the last four years, but I sure wasn’t making progress.

FitBloggin TeamLast year when I was at Fitbloggin I was mostly a wallflower.  I didn’t speak to many people.  I was shy when introducing myself.  This year I walked up to people head held high and asked for what I wanted.  Whether it was a photo, or to join a table for lunch I felt more confident.  I was AFWIW (asking for what I wanted).

On Saturday I had a goal for myself… I wanted to hit 200% of my activity goal on my Polar Loop.  I knew my eating was going to be slightly off during the next few days.  I pushed myself through Yoga, which was at 0600, not really early, then through the Tough Love session… which I really needed. It’s what this post is actually about in the end.  Then it was onto Zumba.  I had no lunch plans for the day, and so I wandered along the river.  Right to the candy shop where I was picking up pralines for some friends back home.  I decided that ice cream was the best choice for lunch since I had done so much working out already.  I didn’t give it a second thought as I ordered a single scoop of peanut butter ice cream in a waffle cone.  I wandered along the river eating my ice cream looking at cars.

When I got back to the hotel all I could think was how glad I was no one saw me eating ice cream! This was a wake up call to myself… I wished I hadn’t eaten that ice cream… not only because the dairy made me all stuffy, but because it was  something that wasn’t a good choice for my goals.  My results are a direct correlation of my choices.  I brushed it off… but wished I had been the recipient of some #ToughLove from some friends there.

Polar Loop InterfaceWell the numbers don’t lie, this is a screenshot from my Polar Loop iPhone interface. The truth is you can’t out exercise your bad diet choices right?  I weigh in on Saturday morning to see how my trip went.  I have NEVER in my life had exercise look like that before.  In all honesty there is a part of me that knows I am going to have a gain coming out of vacation… not because I ate badly while at Fitbloggin… in fact the ice cream, and a few handfuls of popcorn late at night are probably the worst of any of my indulgences.

Why am I expecting a gain this week then?  Because I am now back home… and I can’t get back into my routine! I am sick, I caught the crud that Edith had during our time rooming together.  I just want to eat junk, like chicken fingers and fries, and rest.  My lung capacity is near nothing right now.  I mean, I am puffing albuterol every few hours right now, that’s legit… but the food. c’mon… fries, chicken fingers… NO. Just no.

How long is reasonable to nurse this sickness? …

AFWIW… Help me with a battleplan here! I need to fight! I need to be on track and stay on track… So Kris no more fucking around… no more, got it?! It has to stop unless you want to be 350,400,450 pounds again and feel like you are going to die. Remember how scared you were that no one would be able to carry your casket? Remember being afraid they would have to cut the house open to get you out? Remember having to crawl across the floor because you were in so much pain from everything being wrong with you… because if you want to go back to that, then by all means just give up… and go hit KFC, DQ, and BK and make yourself sick by making yourself sick. The eating out, has got to stop, the Starbucks trips for anything other than a black Americano, the bed time snacks, the skipping the gym it all has to stop.  Times are tough, but you are tougher… you  know what you want, it is time to go after it, and stick with it. Lead by example. Friends, I need you not to be enablers. Call me on things you see going wrong! You see what I post to instagram or facebook, if you see me heading off the rails, it is okay to speak up! I am asking this of you! Be a friend, not an enabler!

 

 

Saying Thanks

So I spoke up in my Weight Watchers meeting today. I do that a lot. My meeting is full of amazing people. You wouldn’t think at 0700 on a Saturday morning people would be so lively but truly the meeting is awesome! The thing about the first meeting of the day on a Saturday is the people who are at the meeting… really want to be there and are truly motivated to, well… get shit done. I am a front row sitter. Studies show people who sit in the front row lose more weight… that isn’t why I sit in the front row… I just like it better there, and I didn’t know about the statistic when I started sitting in the front row. I am always so thankful for all the information all the members have, and I like giving back to my meetings when I feel like I have something valuable to share.
Today we were talking about “BLT’s” bites licks and tastes, but more specifically being accountable for them. I felt the need to bring the group off on a momentary tangent on accountability. Specifically not taking your team for granted. I had gotten myself into a routine with my new job of going to the gym 3 times a week. I had been eating well, and then… they closed our pool for cleaning. This shouldn’t be a big deal they do it every year, and the nice part a about being a YMCA member is I have other locations I can go to.
Instead of going to another location I started just walking as my workout. While it was an okay thing, when the pool opened back up I didn’t head back immediately. It took a nudge, a strong nudge from my support team to get me to get back into my routine.
Once I got back to the gym, after one strong push, Robb said he had hoped that I wasn’t upset that he said I needed to get back to the gym and that he was only doing what I had asked him to do. It was in that moment that I realized how very crucial it is that we thank our support teams when they step up for us. When we ask for help we do so for our benefit. It’s easy to forget that it can be very difficult for those close to us to step into the “danger zone” and mention things that may be deemed sensitive subjects.
For me things like portion control or going to workout when mentioned by people I haven’t explicitly asked to help keep me accountable might be enough to turn me into a raging bitch! It would make me feel vulnerable and violated. When approached by someone I have deemed safe and supportive it puts things in a different light.
I wanted to remind others to thank their support people and not take them for granted. It can be difficult for people to speak up even when we ask them to do so. Just keep this in mind as you move along. If your support person/persons are mentioning things to you, make sure you are thanking them, because speaking up is hard!

Cupcake Crisis 2014

Friday got off to a very rocky start. I was driving to the gym before work doing about 65MPH when my car decided to decelerate quickly to about 20-30 MPH. I was thankfully in the right hand land, threw on my four ways as the tractor trailer behind me neared and my car decided to remember how to accelerate again. I exited at the ramp that was thankfully very close and pulled into a flat parking lot over 4 spaces knowing I want going anywhere since the engine light and Trac Off light were now displaying on my dashboard.
I gathered all the info I needed (where I was, where I needed to be towed to policy numbers etc )and began to call for help. Once I got the tow-truck in route I headed into the Byerlys store for something to drink. There is a Caribou Coffee inside most of these stores. I got myself a cafe au lait and walked around the store. It was going to be at least an hour before my tow arrived. I wanted to get some activity in. After all usually by 8:00 on a Friday morning I have 7000 steps thanks to my YMCA class. That wasn’t going to happen.
I made the misstep of walking to the bakery section. See earlier in the week I had made the choice to have a cupcake. Wheat, dairy, sugar, fat delicious hit on all the sensors amazingness of chocolate cupcake with white chocolate cheesecake raspberry frosting and a raspberry jammy filling. Since I ate that cupcake all I have done is think about that cupcake day and night and try and get another fix. This is not a good thing! It shows me how addictive the combo is to me.
Eyeballed the fresh doughnuts in the case. I looked at the wide variety of cupcakes in the window. My brain kept uttering the phrase it’s ok eat it, you deserve it. You’re having a bad day. You’ve got weekly weight watchers points for this reason. I turned tail, grabbed a warm 1 liter bottle of Coke Zero for $.99 and proceeded to the checkout. No I was having coffee, which I planned for.
No cupcakes. No doughnuts. Those are not what weeklies are for. I walked back to my car. I thought more about those effin cupcakes. I thought about last months weight watchers routine. Is it worth it. The cupcake I had before was worth it. It was not eaten in an emotional place. It was eaten because I was in the mood for a cupcake, it was exactly what I wanted, specifically. I didn’t even use weekly a on it. What made the cupcakes and doughnuts in the case Friday morning not worth it then? This took thought, it was because I wanted them to soothe stress. To ease frustrations that were out of my control.
There are always going to be situations that catch us off guard. Whether it’s a cupcake crisis, or a lack of plans for dinner. Situations change and we can’t always be in control. I am slowly learning to keep looking deeper at every decision I make in hopes of finding out more about myself.

Oh and eventually I got towed to the dealership by a super nice tow-truck driver. I made it to work where everyone was super sweet. I was being very hard on myself for being late. I felt like a failure even though things were out of my control. There is a bad sensor in my has pedal, they had been chasing this issue in my scion IQ since I got it in June. Finally the parts have been ordered to fix it!