Timehop is Tough

So I am sure most of you have heard of Timehop. It is an app that lets you look back at your social media history for the last few years and relive the past. It is a fun tool most of the time. It lets you relive fun things that may have slipped your mind. Little moments of joy, peeks into the biggest joys of your life, or successes, also lets you know if you are straying from your ultimate goals.
With most “time travel” things it does pose that risk, bringing you back to bad memories. I’ve relived deaths in the family, loss of friends, memories that are tender. Right now I am batting through what ended up being the last month of employment with the job that led my healthy lifestyle so far off the rails I cannot even begin to describe it. Aside from the weight gain I incurred with that job, despite trying things like changing gyms, and different food plans I was the worst on my mental health.
I am watching little flashes that I let be public on social media, that didn’t nearly display the horrible state that I was truly in. Yesterdays timehop showed me a post about Mark. Mark was the man who passed away as I started my job. A friend. A friend whose job I stepped into, I got the job because he was at death’s door with lung cancer. He drank, and did pills to numb both the pain of the cancer, but also the pain of the job. He told me not to become a lifer in the job. I still hear his words in my mind, I remember my last visit with him before he passed as I sat with him and his daughter sharing laughter and wisdom, kindness and fear.
I am so thankful that I am not where I was a year ago, but I am sad for that part of me, the part of me that allowed myself to be made a victim by my employer. Treated poorly, by being disrespected, not trusted to do my job when I did it better than anyone that had been in the position before me.
I look at timehop and see the epic meltdown backbuilding. I feel the anxiety in myself… I right now in present day feel it. I shouldn’t feel it… but I feel it with a bit of laughter, along with all the fear and stress. When I left that job I did have a backup plan. It wasn’t a fool-proof plan… and it was a plan that too would fail… The failures have led me however to a place where I feel that I am finally happy.
I should be able to let go of that pain at this point.
I feel almost as if I am dealing with some sort of abuse syndrome, because I can’t let go. Part of it is probably because my husband still works there.
My husband makes it a point not to involve me in the politics of the office, but does pass along to me that I am missed by my coworkers. I have in fact received countless texts and calls, even now approaching a year later I still receive texts and calls asking me to please come back and ask for my job back. As if I was fired and did not leave on my own accord. I often think, if they had paid me more would I have stayed… and the truth of the matter becomes, the way I had been treated, or perceived being treated could not have been outweighed by even a doubling in my salary.
Has my mental health recovered at this point? …I fear it has only partially recovered. I worry often about my employment status at my current job. I was finally brought on full-time in December, so I am no longer a temp with the company which means stability for myself. I work with a great team of people, and company with values and a mission that match my own. The fact that I have the ability to effect lives and help people, even if I can’t directly do it, means the world to me. It takes more than one person to do it, and a team can effect change. I do still worry about those I left behind at my former job, when I get texts complaining about *whatever it is* be it the working condition of a vehicle, the hours, the attitudes etc I simply say perhaps it is time to move on.
We all have to reach our tipping point on our own.
unfortunately I can see that I reached that tipping point, the boat flipped, and I climbed back on to try to save everyone… and that was just simply the wrong thing to do. You can’t save everyone Kris, especially when you yourself are so lost. My heart hurts for the old me… but is open for the opportunities in front of me.
I am on Day 12 of eating right and tracking my food. It is nowhere near the years of tracking I had as a streak before but every record starts with two in row and I need to start somewhere. So here I am… water, coffee, yogurt and my iPad finding a voice in the darkness as the clouds start to clear.

Looking in the Mirror

Looking in the mirror I find myself wondering if what I see is real. I have sat looking at myself in the mirror and asked our loud who the person looking back at me is. I have reached out to touch the mirror to see if I am living a lie. What in the world has happened to me?

On one side, I look at my life as it is now with a new job, that I adore. A job that challenges me, allows me to learn and expand my boundaries but doesn’t completely intimidate me.  A job, the piece of the puzzle that I longed for when I lost the near 180 pounds before that would let me keep my new life in order and keep my life moving in the right direction.

My previous job, the one that was supposed to give me a more normal life, has left me almost a shell of who I had become. My relationships have suffered, my health suffered.  When I would look in the mirror while at that job I didn’t want to look myself in the eye.  I felt like I was a disappointment to myself, like I had made a bad decision.

I look at my experience at my last job with a lot of sadness. As I was leaving there I could see only all the bad in what had happened there.  I gained back a significant amount of weight despite my best efforts to keep it off.  (Upside I have maintained over 100 pounds lost.)  I sat down with Robb towards the end of my time there and was so upset over all the positive momentum I had lost.  I felt like I was back at square one and that I had wasted so much of my life spinning my tires.

Robb helped me see the good in taking the job I did over two years ago. It showed me that I can do hard things.  Taking that job, and being thrown in to a sink or swim environment where I had to figure things out on my own, and make my own way was a real life lesson. I learned a lot while I was on the job there, about myself, about how I feel a business should be run, about the right way to do things, and not do things.

After the long talk with Robb, and a long look at myself and where I am in my life and that I can do hard things… much harder than I ever thought I could do.  I am reminded that I have done hard things, and I can do hard things… I look myself in the eyes again.

Do you know what it is like to see a part of you die? When I was so big I felt like there was a part of me that was dead. As I lost weight I felt my life come back, it was if I was being reborn, awakening, it was amazing. Working my 55 hour weeks I watched the death creep back into my life. The rebound after reducing my hours to 15 for my last week there, was like night and day.  It was like a rebirth.  Now that I have been free of what I can only deem as the soul suck for almost a month it is as though a weight has been lifted.

It turns out that mirror I was looking into was a reflective coated window.  A window I could open and walk through.  A bad decision can be undone.  Failure is not fatal, failure is not final.  I  was unhappy with where I had gone.  The path I had gone down, took a left turn and led in a direction I didn’t like.  It may have taken some time to stop the skid and get life heading in the right direction again but I did it.

So keep that in mind… no matter where life is leading you, you have the power to steer into the skid so to speak.  Ultimately only you will get to decide if you end up in the dark woods, in the green grassy flower filled meadow, on the beach, or under a rock.

Treat Day

I think I am blessed in a way. My job isn’t one that has “Treat day”. We don’t usually have a ton of snacks in the office. Around the holidays there are treats, I have been known to supply the office with baked good and snacks on an occasion but overall it isn’t a minefield like I hear some places are.
It is a pizza junkies dream as I have mentioned before. I would say 3 days a week or so there is delivery pizza coming into the office. With me being off gluten and dairy it isn’t even asked of me if I want to go in on a pie. … Even before I started my “No Dairy, No Wheat, No Fun” Mantra as the boys here call it I wasn’t much for ordering in except an occasional Sushi delivery, or Jimmy Johns Unwich. I usually bring my food… I don’t get a lunchbreak during my 10 hour day… so I need food that I can eat cold, I strive for things that can sit around. Hot coffee Cold water? What are those things!
One of my new employees called in today to tell me she would be stopping by the office to drop off some paperwork. I said it wasn’t necessary, to which she said she had a treat and “You should never turn down a treat”. My mind immediately went into self-hate-negative space… which it does, but I am learning to recognize, and I though, never turning down things is how I ended up the size of a house. I didn’t let myself stay in that headspace long and told Patty I would see her soon.
When Patty arrived she placed a gallon size bag of cookies on my desk… My eyes went wide like cookie monster ready to go on a binge! I immediately grabbed the bag said thanks so much! Everyone will really enjoy these, and turned to give them to my supervisor without another thought. I plopped them on his desk, without taking one. She looked upset, and I explained in a playful fun way that the guys here all say I am on the no dairy no gluten no fun diet. I said that I appreciated it but that I just couldn’t eat it.
She understood, no drama, the world didn’t end. I have spent a good bit of time thinking about this whole, treat yourself thing. I do treat myself… I treat myself by eating the foods that nourish my body. I treat myself by buying the foods that I like to eat. I treat myself by enjoying a better cup of coffee… I am sorry buy Folgers just isn’t my cup of choice. I will drink it, but I prefer something better. I am not one to blankly turn down a treat but I am one to be selective of what treats I have these days. A treat doesn’t have to be defined as food, it can be getting a new bottle of nail polish, or a new dress. It can be a trip to a new gym to try out a guest pass, or even making an extra deposit in a savings account for something bigger.
It is all about framing what you want and finding and fighting for what you want out of life. For me those cookies… they aren’t the treats I am looking for right now. Yes the looked so good, and I LOVE the thought that was behind them… but I will let everyone else in the office enjoy them, and rest more soundly knowing that I treated myself by making the choice that respected my body.
I may or may not have treated myself to a can of the new Apple-berry LaCroix fizzy water when I came home from work, and I may have even changed my dinner plans with the crockpot cooked chicken to spicy pb2 chicken and cantaloupe. I feel good about my day. The sun was out, the puddles of slop were abundant for splashing in… and now I will retire to bed… on schedule!
xoxo ❤

Sitting Still

So my new job involves… a lot of sitting. There are at times a lot of ladder climbing, and a lot of running back and forth from the warehouse to my desk, but lets face it… Kris is now a desk jockey and her caloric intake needs to change.  How do I know this?  Well the scale has not been my friend. Due to the shift in my sleep pattern I have had ZERO energy to go to the gym like NONE.  I starter regaining momentum and now they are cranking my hours around again.

Once my schedule is set in stone I will have no issues forcing myself to pick a class, or a new gym if need be, and making the commitment and getting back there, but my body needs the sleep right now.  This coming week I will need to be at work at 4am every day.  That means the alarm will be ringing at 3:00am every morning. That is an ungodly hour, but I will be logging out of work at 2-ish.  Which will end up being a perfect time to hit the gym when I am finally stable.

I however have forgotten that with less activity to crank back my calories significantly.  Yep, things are not happy in diet-land.  I have not fallen victim to ordering in lunches or anything like that.  I pack my salads and yogurts etc.  However I am falling into that get home and I am hungry while making dinner problem.  I start eating, then eat a few hundred calories, (cheese, or crackers or  nuts etc) then dinner.  This week I am plotting everything out.  I wont have time to be messing around at home with cooking something complicated, I need to take tomorrow and shop and prep EVERYTHING for the week.  Cut up not just the veggies and lay out my fruit but cut up whatever proteins I will be cooking for the week, etc.

So I am going to try a spreadsheet/chart type deal tracking the calories in each potential meal and then I can shuffle them, but I need to crank back my calories.  I am not willing to let my new job ruin all the hard work I have accomplished thus far.  I am not giving up this fight.  I have come too far.

So I need to do some research for recipes that are easy-peasy quick and easy, low cal and taste good!

 

I also am sad that I don’t sem to have much time for blogging right now… that will hopefully change as I get more settled in my job… and on a set schedule… but for now it is what it is.

Also Congrats to Amanda for winning my 5-year Plan book giveaway!

Wow, Let’s Slow Things Down for a Better Look.

So it has been a week since I actually sat down in front of a computer to do something for me.  This new job is actually really cool.  It has kept me pretty busy and is forcing me to adapt or die so to speak.  So I am sorry to my bloggie friends I have not kept up on blogs, it has been work, dinner, sleep repeat all week.  Today is a new day (off!).

The last week was a lot of sink or swim.  Tuesday I was in at 8 and out at 2:30 and on Wednesday more of the same.  Thursday was balls to the wall 8 which i showed up early to get a few things done (which I wont be doing again… lesson learned) until 4, and was up and down a ladder more times than I think I have ever been in my entre life.  Friday was my very first 4am start at work and I worked until 2. It wasn’t a bad day, just intense.  It was a sink or swim day and I did the doggie paddle the whole day keeping my head above water. Next week one of my office mates is on vacation, and I know I will be busier during the first 4 days of the week.

I don’t plan on this becoming a work blog, but this is a big change in my life… mainly what I want to share is the deal with the ladder.  I know I posted about this ladder a while back.  When I started at this company back in 2005 there were (and still are) three ladders in our warehouse.  We manage parts and we need to pull them to ship or for customers to come in and pickup.  Well, there is a medium hight, medium width ladder, which i could kinda fit onto, which let me get to some of the higher shelves when I started my old job.  There was a shorter much wider ladder that let me get to most of the medium level shelves which I had no problems getting up on. There was also a tall skinny (boy does that make me want a latte) ladder.  There was no chance in hell my ass was fitting on that ladder.  A while into my journey I had a parts pull on a Saturday and I had no way to get this part but to attempt the impossible, or call the boss because the usual person I called to help me was unavailable.  I took a step and slipped easily inbetween the bars of that ladder.

While I can now easily slip up and down that ladder… I don’t like stairs.  I live on the third floor of a walk-up.  That means I get my stairs in every day.  I don’t need ladder work in my opinion.  Plus I have a bad knee, bad hip, and bad ankle, all on my right leg.  I am also wobbly, but I do it.  I do what is required of me.

I did several hours of warehouse work on Thursday, and more on Friday morning while things were slow.  The ladder serves as a good reminder to me that hard work is going to take me to where I need to go.

I have been taking food with me to work, usually a Chobani (as I found the new flavors and have been mixing them into my yogurt rotation, or a Fage (the kind with the sidecar of fruit), also a sandwich thin with either some almond butter or a bit of deli meat on it.  A Ziploc of veggies and some humus also get tossed into my bag along with a few of my leftover cuties from christmas, but my supply is almost gone of those.  I found that one of the gentlemen we share the office with is actually doing a 90/10 split with his eating right now where he is eating 90% fruits and veggies which seems to make it REALLY easy for me to eat healthy.  I was concerned that it would be weird having a non-traditional work environment… because what I do, and how we do it is kinda non-traditional but it seems to be okay so far.

I haven’t been stress-eating so far.  I am still adjusting my sleep schedule, which makes me feel at times deprived from my friends, going to bed by 11pm. This means I am trying to be in the sheets by 10pm relaxing and just trying to be sure I am unwinding.  It is a process.  I am doing it though.

I really feel like this is a good things for me.  Today is Saturday, I am in a coffee shop, not for a workshop, having slept, feeling good, relaxed and not worried about work this afternoon. I think everything is going to be okay.

Job Jitters!

So Tuesday life ends, and begins.  There is so much I am worried about.  I lack confidence in myself.  I am unsure that I will be able to handle the pressures of the job I have taken on.  I worry that I am not strong enough to endure the stress without a meltdown.  I don’t want to be the girl that messes something up, gets yelled at and then crys in front of her boss… because if I get yelled at I WILL be the girl that crys in front of her boss.  Yep I am a crier… and I am not a pretty crier… are any of us?

I have been trying not to count my chickens before they hatch about the job shift I am going through.  The person I am training with has been going through some terrible health issues in his life.  This is why I am being trained in.  My fortune is on the tails of his misfortune and to me that is just not cool.  It also means that much of my shifting depends on him.

My boss has not been the most communicative about the change.  For example we moved up my start date for this training thing by a week, a little more than a week ago.  Which is fine, but with my moving into day shift work I can’t play swing shifter and work my 12 hour weekend shift after spending a few days in the office so I need to play the assertive one and make sure when I go in on Tuesday that he understands that this change was his doing and that he needs to make sure that Saturdays are now his responsibility to cover.

I am also nervous about just being in the office… not the food so much as the fact that I don’t know how it is going to effect my workout routine.  I have formulated a plan to hit the gym as soon as I am done work no matter how tired I am.  It is only like two blocks off my route home and I think I need to make that commitment to go workout as soon as my shift is over because if I try and do it before work my sleep schedule will start to become all weird again.

The food is a tiny bit worry some though.  I mean let’s be honest, I have some food issues.  Mainly I am not comfortable eating around most people.  I have NEVER eaten any food in front of my boss, or these particular coworkers.  I have had a latte from Starbucks or a diet Coke but that is about it.  I bought myself a water cup, so I can pound my water while I am in the office.  I am unsure what I want to take for lunch, or breakfast.  I bought a few yogurts, and some hummus and veggies, but I just don’t know what I am going to be packing.

I know things will workout the way they will.  I can only control so much.  So I just need to get the first day under my belt and move forward from there.  So Tuesday morning think of me as you all head off to work because I am sure I will be wanting to puke from nerves heading off to a job that I know I am qualified for… but am endlessly nervous about.

Growing Bottom Line

Happy Saturday everyone! I hope you are getting out to enjoy some lovely autumn weather this weekend. Perhaps a haunted hayride or pumpkin patch visit, or a bonfire with friends is how you will spend your weekend. I will be working, like I generally do.
Since I had such a long day Friday… (and I am currently writing this at 4:00am waiting on a customer) I wanted to share with yall a little bit of the struggle that my particular job presents. It’s called dashboard dining.
See when I am actually on the road and it is a busy day I run into the issue of having little to no time to stop and get food. Generally I have a lunchbag in my car with things like almond butter, dried fruit, fruit leather, a few 100 calorie raw tevolution bars and jerkey in it. Things that will hold for a while… Things that here in MN might come in handy if I were to be snowed in inside my car. They are snacks, not really substantial enough for a meal, atleast not a satisfying one.
Friday was BUSY! I left home with a banana in my hand and the intention of stopping at Subway after my first delivery to grab a sandwich. Well that old saying about the best laid plans… It was several hours before I made it to Subway for food. Jen over at PriorFatGirl had a similar issue this week so I don’t feel alone in this struggle to get to my food. However in my line of work I see time and again what I call the “growing bottom line”. Simply put… We sit in our cars and our asses get fat because of things like chips, candybars, and fast food drive-thrus! Lack of exercise and poor nutrition is abundant in my job. When I finally got my Subway I was so hungry. I chugged water between bites to stop myself from inhaleing my loaded with veggies turkey sub.
I ended up logging several hundred miles Friday, taking an apple and my dinner along as I went north to Cloquet was a good plan. I am not a fan of having to eat while I drive but it is a part of my life. I am working on a plan to get better supplies for my car but until then subway is my pal… Along with any grocery store or gas station where I can get an apple or banana, hard boiled egg, or cheese stick!
I refuse to let my bottom line spread because of my job.