One Year — 138 Pounds!
So proud of myself I could cry, but I can’t let it out, or haven’t yet maybe this will help.
The actual one year date was Oct 25th, it was unavailable at the doctors office so Today was the day! Close enough for guess work according to the doctor. Dr Beckman (at the U of MN weight clinic) is who I see to track my progress. It is nice to have a doctor that is a cheerleader for a change. So many years of doctors telling me to lose weight and never offering help or a solution that was manageable. I am sorry when you have multiple medical conditions telling someone to exercise just does not cut the mustard! She and her nurse Mary have just been great cheerleaders for me. They are excited to see someone working so hard to avoid surgery and having the degree of quick success with it that I am.
Today has been a day of reflection in a way, as I stepped on my bathroom scale (breaking my once a week rule, just to get a restart number) remembering last year that my home scale was unable to weigh me. Where did I go to weigh myself to see how I was doing? The cargo shipping scale at my work, in the middle of the night, when noone was around. How degradeing! I remember a doctor telling me I should get weighed at a truckstop or weigh station because their scale didnt go to 300 pounds. I told them to get a new scale. (seriously, 300, seriously?!)
I went down the 3 flights of steps in my building, not much has changed… out to the car… into the car… I remember when I would not struggle, but have to perhaps work a bit harder to get into the car and Zip Zip seatbelt on with room to move and groove! Whats THAT about?! I remember thinking, I really should get something to make the seatbelts fit better. In the winter with my coat I would have to remove my coat or go without a belt… (So I would freeze until the heat kicked in!)
Coming home I bound up the steps like a champ! 3 flights, Yes it is still the SUCK! 3 flights, everyday, even at 429 pounds I still did those stairs… and the first thing I would do was sit! Now I come in and Hang up my purse, or wash up the dishes or whatever else I feel like doing. I don’t need to beeline for a seat. I always let my guy go up the steps first in the past. I never wanted to hold anyone back from anything. Lately I have taken to trying to push ahead of him when we come in at the same time and bound up the steps just to show how far I have come. With every creak pop crackle snap and crunch of my knees and ankles I climb those stairs and LOVE that I can do it!
At the gym I proudly stride across the parking lot, knowing I belong there. When I started going to the gym I would watch the ground, not make eye contact, never say hi to anyone, mind my business and do my thing. Now some of the staff consider me a friend and I have made friends with some of the other people in my water aerobics class. It is a great community! (although I do wish I had the ability to hop on an elliptical or stationary bike in the middle of the night but whatchagonnado) I even have random people approach me and tell me how much of a difference they see in me from time to time.
I think I have finally come to recognize that my body has changed. I did not physically see a change for a VERY long time. Now I am starting to see more tone, more definition. I think I will struggle with body image no matter what size I am. I have wide hips and wide shoulders, built like a linebacker made to run with the boys and carry the babies! I really did the girly thing, I am not into mani-pedis and I have never had a spa day. I missed out on that Bonding experience as most of my friends were guys. So I think perhaps the fact that my wardrobe largely consists of jeans and pocket t-shirts does not help me attain a figure. So I am working on that. A proper bra fitting was a HUGE first step.
I went out to play trivia at The Rail Station in Minneapolis tonight, (which is SOOO FUN! GO TEAM DAMN SKIPPY!) and I felt perfectly normal in there. By normal I mean, I did not feel like the elephant in the room. Part of it is being there with someone I am comfortable around, but even the first time I went in there, I atleast did not feel ashamed to be out in public. Yes I am shy. I don’t know how to approach people and start a conversation, but I felt good, confident, REAL.
So here I sit… a year gone, but a year finally lived. To think I spent so much of my life existing, bobbing along, feeling like utter crud! I cannot wait to see where I will be in a year! I am sad that my weightloss has slowed, I only lost about 10 pounds in the last 9 weeks or so, compared to what I think had been much more, I keep reminding myself that even if I lose .5lb a week that would still be 26 pounds in a year. I also need to keep repeating so many of my mantras… My fave of the moment… There is no such thing as “Only lost #” You need to celebrate everything, even things you view as minor. It helps…sometimes. Nothing works all the time, but you can’t expect it to right?
So tonight I rest, knowing I did my best today, as I do everyday. Tomorrow starts new. New me? Not quite, New outlook? Not really. New Motivation? No, just determination.